The Broke & Brilliant Survey

Being the guru of Broke & Brilliant Survival carries with it many responsibilities. Like, people will often talk to me after seeing me at a stand-up gig or reading one of my columns and say things like, "Hey Noonan, I really identify with your Broke and Brilliant philosophy. I graduated from college (or just got my GED... or just got out of truck driver training school -- I hear all kinds) and I still don't have a dime to my name. Am I Broke & Brilliant like you, or am I just a loser?"
OK, OK. You're onto me. Nobody ever talks to me -- unless I owe them money. The above is just the conversation I have with myself every time I look in the mirror.
What usually follows is the deep-seated fear that I’m the only one in the world who feels that way. So, in order to gauge public opinion, I’ve devised a survey which determines once and for all if someone possesses innate brilliance or is just well-practiced in the art of self-delusion. Just read down this simple list of questions and mark the response you feel is most appropriate. Onward:

My job provides me with:
a paycheck, satisfaction, respect from my co-workers, medical insurance, a retirement plan and the opportunity to fulfill my career goals.
food, beer and tax-free cash.
What job?
My health care plan consists of:
HMOs, dental plans, catastrophic medical and pregnancy insurance.
I don't get sick. I can't afford it.

I can be anything I want to be:
if only I put my mind to it.
on my resume.

To me, credit is:
the exchange of goods and services for the promise of future payment.
just another word for free!

If I ever meet my student loan officer in person, I will:
apologize for never putting him on my Christmas card list.
Go For The Head Shot!

In college, I:
studied every night, got good grades and lined up a job before I graduated.
drank like a fish, smoked like a chimney and cried like a tot on graduation day.

In my spare time I like to:
mow the lawn, barbeque steaks and spend quality time with my family.
create crop circles, mutilate cattle, impregnate hick, midwestern housewives and blame it all on space aliens.

Someday after making it, I will look upon my days of struggling and:
laugh.
cry.

I believe that the United Nations:
has secret armies based in the mountains and will someday take over America.
can't even defend itself against malnourished, pebble-throwing, third-world peasants.

I will never trust
a communist.
whitey.
anyone.

I experimented with drugs:
repeatedly when I was young and didn't fully comprehend the dangers.
once. And then I took them repeatedly for their effect.

I avoid paying taxes by:
spending twice what my tax bill would be on a Harvard-educated CPA.
never earning any money.
never filing a return.

To me, cuddling after sex is:
the highlight of a wonderful, emotion-filled, interpersonal experience.
rather unfulfilling, as I am generally the only one in the room at the time.

With every meal that I eat:
I pray to God and thank him for providing me with my daily sustenance.
I believe that at least one animal shall have died.

I believe that Jesus saves:
our souls from the eternal fires of hell.
therefore, he must be worth billions by now.

I believe that God:
created the Universe and all that exists within it.
has it in for me.

In order to stop those annoying calls from bill collectors, I:
am polite on the phone and promptly send a check in the amount requested.
refuse to pay the phone bill, thus instilling peace and tranquility in my domicile.

I believe that Canadians are:
harmless, if a bit quirky, and generally of benefit to mankind.
all Satan's children.

Whenever I find a dollar on the street, I:
make every effort to return said dollar to the rightful owner.
emit a shrill cry of girlish glee.

My favorite movie is:
either episode of the frolicking, feel-good Free Willy series.
either Goodfellas, Kalifornia, True Romance, Apocalypse Now, Barfly or Caddyshack.

I believe that if a full-grown dog is small enough to fit in a microwave oven:
it is probably "cute" and full of personality.
it belongs there.

My favorite chef in the whole wide world is:
Chen Yan, from "Wokking with Yan."
Dave Thomas from Wendy's.
Chef Boyardee.

For the Men -- My dream date is:
a girl just like the girl that married dear old dad.
some anonymous floozy with the moral fortitude of Madonna.
a woman. Oh God, yes. A woman.
For the Ladies -- My dream date is:
Noonan.
anyone on God's green earth but Noonan.

Name (required):
E-Mail (required):
Address Line 1:
Address Line 2:
City: State: Zip:
Country:
Phone:
Occupation:
I found the "Broke & Brilliant Web Site through:
My age:
Under 18.
18 to 25.
26 to 30.
31 to 35.
36 to 45.
46 to 55.
56 to 65.
Over 65.
Sex:
Male.
Female.

Comments:
Broke & Brilliant Survey Comments
Register me to win the next part that falls off Noonan's car.

You are visitor . Thank you for participating in
The Broke & Brilliant Survey.
(Since January 15, 1997)

Noonan
1010-B Ocean Boulevard
Isle of Palms, SC 29451
npnoonan@aol.com
(803) 886-8096

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| The Broke & Brilliant Survey | Results of The Broke & Brilliant Survey |

Ramen Noodles May Save The Planet
The Poetry of Poverty

Broke & Brilliant, A Survival Guide

** Through The Ages | Myths and Realities **
** Financing Your Poverty | Credit and its Consequences **
** Creditor Scare Tactics **

The Broke & Brilliant Survey

My job provides me with:

My health care plan consists of:

I can be anything I want to be:

To me, credit is:

If I ever meet my student loan officer in person, I will:

In college, I:

In my spare time I like to:

Someday after making it, I will look upon my days of struggling and:

I believe that the United Nations:

I will never trust

I experimented with drugs:

I avoid paying taxes by:

To me, cuddling after sex is:

With every meal that I eat:

I believe that Jesus saves:

I believe that God:

In order to stop those annoying calls from bill collectors, I:

I believe that Canadians are:

Whenever I find a dollar on the street, I:

My favorite movie is:

I believe that if a full-grown dog is small enough to fit in a microwave oven:

My favorite chef in the whole wide world is:

For the Men -- My dream date is:

For the Ladies -- My dream date is:

Comments:

You are visitor . Thank you for participating in The Broke & Brilliant Survey.

You are visitor . Thank you for participating in
The Broke & Brilliant Survey.