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In most cases, the worries of financing your poverty can be combated by employing a simple financial strategy, which can be summed up with, "If, by some miracle, I can make it through the (insert choice of "week" "day", "hour" or "next five minutes" here), I will be all right."
This strategy has been criticized for its supposed disregard of "cause and effect." This is a fallacy. The cause and effect principle has simply been modified to reflect the immediate concerns of poverty. For example, rather than unduly concern yourself with the potential consequences of a given action, ask yourself, "What will happen to me in the next five minutes if I do {insert the heinous, ridiculous action you are now contemplating here}?" Now, if there are no immediate consequences, who cares?
This brilliant financial strategy is demonstrated through the following real-life examples:
The Solution:
Use your imagination, silly. Think of that finite amount of money in
your checking account as a basketball. Think of your landlord and Cletus, the
toothless mechanic, as basketball players from opposing teams. Now, throw the ball
into the air. Whoever grabs the ball first gets to keep it. Well, OK, I mean this in the
figurative sense. What you need to do is write checks to both your landlord and your
toothless mechanic -- whoever cashes his check first gets to keep your money.
There, now you have your car and a place to live, at least for a while, that is.
The Solution:
First, you must realize that the act of writing a check means
absolutely nothing. If there is money in your account, that money is yours and you
must do everything in your power to hold onto your money, damn it! Don't panic. Run,
don't walk to the nearest ATM. Withdraw your money. All of it. As you walk away
from the ATM yell, "Let's see you try to get your grubby hands on my money now, you
blood-sucking bastards!" Now eat. Simple, eh?
Note:
Technically, this is a variation of Jump Ball Financing. But, with The ATM Dash, success depends entirely on your own efforts. Feel free to use this maneuver
by itself or in conjunction with any other of these financial strategies.
The Solution:
Write checks to each of your creditors for the entire outstanding
balance. Hang with me, I haven't lost my mind, not yet, at least. Now, place each
check in the wrong envelope. Mail the checks. Not only have you bought yourself
some valuable time, but each of your creditors will think that she is the only one that
you refuse to pay. Talk about pissed-off bald women in need of a shave....
The Scenario:
You are in college, therefore, you are drunk. You and your friends
tire of being drunk in the same town for months on end. You desire to be drunk in a
different town. Together, you and your friends have exactly enough money to buy a
tank of gas, two quarts of STP Oil Treatment For Really Lousy Cars and three cases
of Schlitz Malt Liquor Ice Bull. Your destination is less than an hour away. You
seriously doubt the beer will last until you reach your destination. You forgot one
important item. That item is food.
The Wrong Solution:
"Food?" you say, "We have beer. Beer that has been fortified with alcohol. Then, it is ice brewed. Then, it is fortified with more alcohol. Food? Who needs food? We have beer, remember? Do I have to tell you everything?"
A Consideration:
Even if you are in the midst of yet another semester-long
drinking binge, you need to eat occasionally. Oh, you doubt me, do you? Just
watch Barfly. Even Mickey Rourke needed fuel once in a while.
A Better Solution:
Take a backpack and got to the entrance of the college
cafeteria. Locate a freshman who looks more than just a little uncomfortable with his
new surroundings. Instruct the freshman to fill your backpack with food -- lots of food.
When the freshman exits the cafeteria, take your backpack and push him to the
ground. You now have plenty of food for the weekend and your own personal servant.
Nifty, eh?
Things to Consider:
Fact: Most relatives have money, relative to your financial
status, that is. Fact: Once you have reached the age of 25 (or, in some cases, 52) it
is socially unacceptable to ask relatives for money. Interesting Fact: There is
absolutely no social stigma attached to inheriting money from dead relatives,
regardless of what your financial status may be.
The Solution:
Wait! Don't kill your relatives, you idiot! Somehow this column will
surface at your murder trial and I will be sued. Then again, I own absolutely nothing of
value, so what do I care if I get sued? Do what you want, but first consider this nifty
scheme: Invite your relatives for a visit. Now, pay attention, preparation is crucial
here. Don't shower or change clothes during the entire week prior to your relatives'
arrival. Now, as soon as your parent's car comes into sight, throw the main power breaker and
turn off the main water line to your residence -- or whoever's residence you happen to be residing in at the time. Don't say a word. Hold back that smile. You
are in the money! You see, it is perfectly acceptable to accept money that is given to
you by your relatives -- regardless of whether they are living or not -- You just can't ask
for it directly.
Note:
If your relatives are poor, or just sick of your annoying schemes to bilk them
out of money, try this with your roommate's relatives. I mean, it's worth a shot.
The Solution:
No problem. Even when you are broke, you can always find a way
to drink beer and, the broker you are, the more beer you manage to drink. Always.
Perhaps there is some strange mystic connection between the two. No matter. You
may not be able to pay for rent or food, mind you -- but hey, don't sweat it -- for those
luxuries, you can always employ one of the above financial strategies. Life could be
worse.
Noonan
Broke & Brilliant, A Survival Guide
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