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Broke & Brilliant: A Survival Guide

"Myths and Reality"

I have witnessed the conspiratorial plottings of the wealthy from a unique perspective, which is more commonly referred to as abject poverty. And, I have discerned the many dangerous lies and misconceptions put forth by the world's wealthy elite so as to placate the ambitions of the world's broke and brilliant. To wit:

Myth: The struggle of the broke and brilliant in this world is a noble one, for the rewards that one must seek are not of the material world, but rather, one must seek the rewards of the next world. As stated in the Bible, blessed are the poor (or the meek, or the shepherds, or something like that), for they shall inherit the earth.

Reality: This sounds a lot like communism to me. Just when will this inheritance come due? Isn't there something in the Bible about Armageddon, the Apocalypse, the Mother of all Battles? Isn't the Earth to be destroyed? The rich will go where? That's right, the rich will go to heaven.

We poor will inherit a radioactive, lifeless, nuclear-winterized hell-hole that will be without so much as cable TV or spare parts for my Audi. Some damn inheritance! Which leads me to a more pressing question: "Just who is God and what exactly does he want with us?"

Myth: You cannot be simultaneously rich and happy.

Reality: Lies like this are spread by rich people who want to stay rich. Often times, rich folks will point to people such as Jim Bakker, Ross Perot and Howard Hughes to "prove" that money and happiness (or sanity) do not mix.

Perhaps the most revolting example of this Goebbels-esque propaganda lies in the movie Citizen Kane. Here, as Kane lies upon his deathbed, he whispers the name of his boyhood flexible flyer sled, "Rosebud," in a contrived, ill-veiled attempt to convince a depression-era audience that happiness, true happiness, is a cold winter day whereby you sled all day and burn said sled for heat at night. I call "Bullshit!" Kane was rich. If he wanted a sled he should have sent his butler to buy one. Kane died because he was lazy and would not get out of bed, not because he was rich.

This reminds me of the time in college when my roommate, Billy, lay immobilized on the couch. Being the kind-hearted soul that I am, I handed Billy a fully-packed bong. In need of flame, Billy pointed to the box of (Ta Da!) Rosebud wooden matches that were on the coffee table. From Billy's lips came the hushed, strained refrain of "Rosebud. Rosebud. Rosebud!"

Before I realized what this cryptic utterance meant, Billy passed out and spilled three-week-old bong water all over himself. Talk about symbolism! Is there no end to the meaningful lessons that are cryptically contained within this story?

So, the point is, if you want something in life, get your lazy ass out of bed (or off the couch) and get it yourself! Otherwise, in two or three days, you'll stink to high heaven.

Myth: Throughout this country, "men in dark suits" enter our homes (often times through windowless walls), abduct fellow citizens and take said citizens to secluded places where their teeth are drilled by the modern-day equivalent of the dentist from "The Marathon Man." One theory states that these "men in dark suits" are either sinister space aliens or high-ranking representatives of the Pope.

Reality: These men are not aliens from outer space. The "men in dark suits" are Student Loan Officers. They take their job title and your legally-binding obligations very, very seriously. The methods for repayment are drastic, but quite effective. The Pope continues to deny involvement in this insidious plot. Need we any more proof of his crooked involvement?

Myth: Women are attracted to the poetic, suffering side of one who is struggling to make his mark on mankind.

Reality: Women are not attracted to broke men. Not now. Not ever. Women are, however, attracted to evil men like Charles Manson, Alex Trebec, Ted Bundy, Rev. Jim Jones and David Koresh. By God, even Hitler had a girlfriend. Oh, it is a cruel, unforgiving world in which we live.

Nothing is as it appears. The wealthy elite wants to control our every thought. Why? Because if we become content with what little we have, we won't want what they have. It is as simple as that. So, wake up and pay attention. Be deceived by the conspiracy of the wealthy elite no more!

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(Since January 15, 1997)