Broke & Brilliant: A Survival Guide

"Credit and its Consequences"

Looking back over my many, many years of being broke, I find myself asking that annoying question, “If I could do it all over again, what would I do differently?” I must have learned something in my years of dodging creditors, barely making ends meet and fantasizing wildly about a future filled with fame and fortune, right?

And then it hits me. My problem (besides not giving one shit about my “legally-binding” obligations) stems from the fact that I entered into the world of financial ruin without a strategic plan. Poverty controls me. I don't control my poverty.

Nobody plans on being poor, right? Wrong. Poverty has played a vital role in launching thousands of writing, acting, music, legal, medical and business careers. It’s just that some people go about it better than others. Perfectly executed, a well-planned foray into poverty occurs when the last dollar of credit is used up on the day one’s ship comes in -- which has pretty much been my experience, except that my ship has always been hardship.

While the prospect of financing one’s career and dreams though years of struggle in poverty does indeed sound romantic (in some sick, perverted sense of the word, I suppose), poverty should only be employed only as a last-ditch financing option. Plain and simple, being broke ain’t fun, but it can be the key to future profits.

Understanding Credit:

Before poverty can be embraced as a means of improving your station in life, a few basic concepts regarding credit must be understood. Credit can be your friend. Strategically abused, you can survive off credit for months or even years on end. Credit can also be your enemy. Once your credit rating begins to resemble mine, you’re pretty much screwed for the next seven years, or until your ventures provide you with riches beyond your wildest dreams -- whichever comes first.

A well-planned poverty requires that you preserve a good credit rating until you are ready to commit 100% to your dreams. Acquire mass instruments of credit to meet at least one year’s projected food, clothing, shelter, utilities and transportation needs. Forget everything your parents ever told you about credit. Until you make it big, Credit is just another word for free!

Free, as in that Columbia House Records ad for “Thirteen Records, Tapes or 8-tracks for one penny” that I first noticed in the back of Parade Magazine when I was ten. Talk about deals! Over the past 18 years, I have held 136 music club memberships and I have yet to pay for the first damn song. I just manage to stay one step ahead of the billing department. I fondly remember the time in college when I started fifteen memberships at once and placed them all in the names of that semester’s fraternity pledges. I thought that was rather clever of me. Now I visit graveyards when I am in need of new names for record club memberships. It works great!

“Good” vs. “Bad” Credit:

There are two kinds of credit, the “Good” kind and the “Bad” kind -- also known as Unsecured (uncollateralized) Credit and Secured (collateralized) Credit. Occasionally, one will run across a corollary of Good Credit, Ridiculous Credit, the type that is offered through mail-order Music, Video and my beloved Books-on-Tape Clubs.

Helpful Hint: Avoid Secured Credit like the freakin’ plague. The day that you begin your life of strategic poverty, relieve yourself of all Secured Credit. House, plane, boat, tractor, backhoe and / or Zamboni payments are simply not to be tolerated. These items need not be eliminated altogether. There is no need to live a life of squalor, but debt must be transferred from the secured to the unsecured variety wherever possible.

Here are a few specific strategies you may wish to employ: (DISCLAIMER: I accept no responsibility for the consequences of your actions should you abide by any of the following advice. Hell, I never even accept the consequences of my own actions.)

Basic Transportation

Motor Vehicles:

Unfortunately, loans for cars and trucks almost always fall under the category of Secured (Bad) Credit. You should never purchase a car or truck on credit, especially if you plan on living through a monetary dry spell. If you miss even 2 or 3 payments in a row, you will get to know your Repo Man personally. I know -- not because I have had a car repossessed, but because I worked for an entire summer with a Repo Man.

If you owe money on a vehicle, sell it and buy the cheapest hunk of shit you can find. This could be the best investment of your life. As long as there are no liens on your vehicle, you are in excellent shape. Now is not the time to worry about impressing friends with stylish wheels -- reliable (unrepossessable) transportation is the sole goal.

Auto Repair Cards:

Say you followed my advice, sold your three-year-old Nissan 240 SX and purchased a $500 car from your Jonesing, drugged-out neighbor. You’re stuck with daily trips to the junkyard just to keep that hunk-of-shit running, right? Not at all.

You can get all kinds of free vehicular nifties from national companies such as Sears, Montgomery Ward, Firestone, and Western Auto. Everything needed to remanufacture your vehicle, including tires, tune-ups, brakes, shocks, transmissions, clutches, mufflers, batteries and even brand-spanking-new engines can be acquired through these philanthropic organizations.

All repairs “purchased” on store credit cards fall under the category of, let me hear ya say it, Unsecured (Good) Credit. Kiss your repossession worries good-bye! Even after you have bilked these stores our of thousands of dollars of repairs, the worst they can do is to take away your store credit card, but they can’t touch your car!

Gas Cards:

Not only do you need a reliable mode of transportation, but you need the gas to power said wheels, as well. In planning for at least one year’s worth of Free Gas, acquire at least 6 major-brand gas cards.

Each card can be used for a minimum of three months before your charging privileges will be unceremoniously revoked For greatest effectiveness, use one gas card exclusively until the convenience store clerk cuts that card in to itty-bitty bits right before your eyes, then hit the next chain of stores to begin anew with a fresh card.

Bonus # 1: Food, beer and other sundry items can easily be acquired (for absolutely free) through your gas card.

Bonus # 2: Out of decent common courtesy, friends should kickback fifty to seventy-five cents for each gallon of gasoline purchased on your card. This could help provide you with much needed cash. But don’t count on it, especially if one of your friends is me.

A successfully-planned poverty requires that one be as well-rounded in the art of poverty-survival as humanly possible. There is much more to surviving your self-imposed poverty than just driving around endlessly. You gotta look good when you get there (wherever “there” may be). You also have to appear as though being broke is the furthest thing from your mind. This requires more planning. Check back to The Broke & Brilliant Web Page for more information on Credit and its Consequences.

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(Since January 15, 1997)

Noonan
1010-B Ocean Boulevard
Isle of Palms, SC 29451
noonan@awod.com
(803) 886-8096

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Ramen Noodles May Save The Planet
The Poetry of Poverty

Broke & Brilliant, A Survival Guide

** Through The Ages | Myths and Realities **
** Financing Your Poverty | Credit and its Consequences **
** Creditor Scare Tactics **