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And, since I rarely ever sleep (primarily due to the constant worries of being broke), I will have copious time available to answer all the pressing questions that have been sent to me regarding poverty survival. To wit:

Dear Noonan:
I tried the to lose a few of those unwanted pounds through your “Poverty Diet Plan”. So, I quit my job and started eating Ramen Noodles as my only form of sustenance, just like what I read about in an advance copy of your book.

After four or five months, I lost a few pounds, but my doctor told me that I have beri-beri or rickets or scurvy or some freakin’ disease like that. Since I have no job, I have no health insurance, either.

So now, I have huge medical bills and all my teeth have fallen out of my head. What gives? Are you trying to kill us all or something?
Valerie Fletcher
Hanahan, South Carolina

Dear Valerie:

Hey, don’t try blaming your malnutrition on me and my “Poverty Diet Plan.” You were the one who violated the “Broke & Brilliant Health Plan” which reads, “Don’t get sick, you can’t afford it!”, now weren’t you? Besides, how the hell was I supposed to know that it takes twenty-seven bowls of Ramen Noodles to equal one bowl of Total? They don’t tell us shit like that on the package, now do they?

I mean, what they do tell us is: “Ramen Noodles are FUN! (When compared to the alternative, which is NOT EATING AT ALL, I suppose they have a point!) Ramen Noodles can be used as a main course (No shit!). Or, as part of a complete meal. Just add your favorite meats or vegetables to Ramen Noodles before warming in the oven.”

Well, I think we all have some news for those marketing geniuses in Ramen Noodle-land: If we could afford to eat meats or vegetables, we wouldn’t be eating Ramen Noodles, now would we?
-- Noonan

Dear Noonan,
How far in advance can I really write a check? For example: My final date on my electric bill termination notice is on Monday, today is Tuesday and payday is next Monday. Is it safe for me to write a check that won't bounce?
Holly
Killeen, Texas

Holly,
Your question is actually more involved than it appears. I assume the timeline is something like this. Date on the Termination Notice: 5th of the Month. Today's Date: 6th of the Month. Payday: 12th ot the Month.

Now, we have two factors working independently of each other: The Termination Notice and the amount of time in which you can safely float a check. You state that it is the FINAL TERMINATION NOTICE. This is a much over-used term. Just which FINAL TERMINATION NOTICE is it? The first FINAL TERMINATION NOTICE? The Second FINAL TERMINATION NOTICE? Or, The Dreaded THIRD FINAL TERMINATION NOTICE?

If it is the first or second FINAL TERMINATION NOTICE, you can probably call the electric company and delay the cut-off date by a few days. The closer you can get this cut-off date to your payday, the better. Most utilities, especially the phone and electric companies, will work with you by extending payments, as long as you relate your problems with a phone call. A personal visit to the electric company, in which you give a hardship story about your health, may also get you a few extra days. Only at the THIRD FINAL TERMINATION NOTICE is there cause for fast action.

As far as check floating, we're talking about about a three or four day window of time at most. It generally takes about this long for a check to clear -- provided that the utility uses a different bank than you. So, timing is everything here. Here is the recommended procedure:

1. Call the Electric Company and try to extend payment as long as possible.
2. When the last payment day is upon you, time your arrival at the utility payment center to within mere minutes of closing.
3. Hope for as many processing delays as possible.
4. As soon as you get your paycheck, run to your bank and deposit it immediately.

Chances are, given your original timeline, you won't go without electricity. You may have to go without food for until your next payday, but you won't go without electricity.
-- Noonan

Dear Noonan:
My friends and I are trying to put together a demo tape of our band that we can send out to bars. We don’t have enough money to go to a studio, or to buy our own equipment, for that matter. Any ideas? We need gigs.
Larry Shempter
Grand Rapids, Michigan.

Dear Larry,
Look pal, you are out there struggling and trying to make a name for you and your band, right? How the hell are you going to get anywhere in life if you don’t learn to be resourceful?

The answer to your problem is firmly planted in every mall of America. Just go to the nearest Radio Shack and pick out all the equipment that you need. Then, within thirty days, return said equipment for a FULL CASH REFUND. You can do this as often as needed, as long as a different band member checks the equipment out each time, that is.
-- Noonan

Dear Noonan,
I keep waiting for my big break. I read the horoscopes every day and it always seems as though my luck should be turning. But still, after all these years, I can’t even afford a pot to piss in. What gives?
Rachel McMillan
Cincinnati, Ohio

Dear Rachel,
Now, if you believe in horoscopes, then you must also believe that one-twelfth of the world’s population has exactly the same things happen to them each day as happens to you. If that were the case, we could all have conversations like, “Oh, you’re a Libra? Yeah, I saw that thing about your dad’s prostate cancer in the horoscopes last month. I hope he’s doing better, although it does serve him right for beating your and your mother and all.” So, tell me, Rachel, where the hell is the logic in all this?

I rely on fortune cookies to guide my life. Just one look at these Jim Dandies that I carry with me at all times. You can probably tell from my vast stockpile, that I am due for greatness very, very soon:

• “Your hard work will soon pay off.” (April, 1990)
• “You will be unusually successful in business.” (October, 1991)
• “Your love life will be happy and harmonious.” (February, 1992)
• “All of your hard work will soon show results.” (June, 1993)
• “The star of riches is shining on you.” (September, 1994)
• “Failure is the mother of Success.” (May, 1995)
• “Hard work with bring you riches.” (December 1995)
• Confucius say, “Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.” (May, 1996)

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