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This weeks Top List
10
Reasons Why You SHOULD Shave Your Legs
10) Because
leg hair is so heavy.
9) Because you shaved them once, and now you can't stop the tide,
shag-man.
8) Because of one nasty case of the dangleberries.
7) Because your name is Robin Williams.
6) Because your name is Ed Asner.
5) Because you're Robin Williams' and Ed Asner's monkey-love child.
(and while yer at it, shave yer back too!)
4) So you don't ruin your new hose.
3) So you won't be mistaken for a guy.
2) So you will be mistaken for a girl.
And the
Number One Reason Why You SHOULD Shave Your Legs is...
1) It compliments
the shorn scrotum. "It's quite breathtaking, actually."
Mountain
Biker Signs that Y2K is Here
10) Your Smart
Fork works in reverse.
9) Your investment in Bob's Bikes 'n More shoppe has increased over
1000%.
8) Someone has used shavings from your Mag-21 to start a fire.
7) Your credit card statement doesn't reflect the Ellsworth Truth
and the Soulcraft SS you bought last month.
6) Your neighbors are bribing you with micro-brew to haul things
around in your BOB trailer.
5) Your HRM now stimulates your heart rate rather than tracking
it.
4) Lots of stalled SUV's and Pinto's on the interstate to use for
urban trials riding.
3) Trailheads are no longer crowded.
2) Fruita, CO is an exotic riding locale.
And the
Number One Mountain Biker Sign that Y2K is Here...
1) No more
Spam left on the shelves.
Applaud (or blame) Kevin Axt, Kennewick, WA, for
this timely contribution.
Mr.Leghair's
Top Ten Mountain Biker Pickup Lines:
10) Wanna see my
multi-tool?
9) (For the Ladies, ) You know, you really don't sweat that
much for a fat guy.
8) Get off'a dat bike and into my dreams baby.
7) (At the top of yer favorite grind...) Let me help you
out of those wet clothes.
6) Pardon me, would you be up for a little cardiovascular
cross-training?
5) Hey baby, want some Goo?
4) "You may not be really hot, but I bet you like to do it."
(Compliments of Butthead)
3) Do you believe in love at first sight? No? Well let me
ride by again.
2) "Shall we grind now, or shall we grind later?" - paraphrased
from Austin "Danger" Powers.
And the Number One
Mountain Biker Pickup Line is...
1) Is that a banana
in your jersey or are you just glad to see me?
Team Leghair's
Top Ten Things to Catch Big Air Off of With a Mountain Bike:
(Courtesy of, El Guy from East LA)
10. Your mothers wig.
9. Your neighgbor's Pitbull dog house. (Usually followed by a lot
of very fast pedaling)
8. Other mountain bikers that have fallen and can't get out of the
way in time.
7. Skateboarders. But be carefull or the front wheel will get tangled
up in those nasty loose pants.
6. BMX Bicycles. Man, when those guys fall they fall hard. And the
bikes make good ramps too.
5. Your fathers wig. Usually followed by recalled school funds.
(If your a yuppy daddy's boy!)
4. A case of cold German Beer! Biggest air drinks the first one!
3. Your Boss's Car. Nuff said!!!!
2. Your sister's Miracle Bra!
And the Number One
Thing to Catch Big Air Off of With a Mountain Bike is...
1. A roadie's bike as
the owner talks on the phone nearby with some other no hair sissy
boy!
Mr.Leghair's
Top Ten Poser Excuses For Not Riding Today:
10) "Really shouldn't
miss this week's White Sale at Macy's."
9) "Ran out of Old Spice."
8) "My calves have razor stubble."
7) "My tires aren't broken in yet."
6) "Just had the helmet waxed!"
5) "I'm having my brake cable end-caps chromed."
4) "Got an appointment for a weave."
3) "Bike's in the shop for a new set of inner tubes."
2) "Sorry, but Homie don't do uphills."
And the Number One
Poser Excuse for Not Riding Today is…
1) "Wet nails."
(Thanks to Dan for the
assist.)
Mr.Leghair's
Top Ten Energy Bar Flavors We'd Like to See:
10) Taco Bell Gorditas flavored!
9) Ranch.
8) Barbeque.
7) Pizza flavored. (Any variety other than soggy-ass pineapple!)
6) Nacho Cheese. (That gelatinous 7-11 kind, yeah!)
5) Sour-Cream & Onion.
4) Double-Double w/grilled onions.
3) Corona w/lime.
2) Corn-dog.
And the Number One
Energy Bar Flavor We'd L:ike to See is...
1) Un-flavored.
(We don't need no stinking taste! And no stinking aftertaste!)
Mr.Leghair's Top
Ten Ways for Nair Boys to Get Leghairs Out of the Way:
10) Bribe 'em with
bacon cheeseburgers.
9) Tell 'em they've got a rip in their shammy.
8) Tell em' you've got a rip in your shammy!
7) Politely announce, "Passing on the top of you!"
6) Ask 'em to go back for that "finsky" that just fell outta
yer saddle pack.
5) Bark like a dog and tell 'em you smell Milkbones
in their jersey pocket.
4) Offer to let em' fondle yer bum as you pass.
3) Shout, "Nude Co-ed Tandem Team, coming through!"
2) Ring-ring that precious little bike bell of yours. (Yeah,
that'll work!)
And the Number One
Way for Nair Boys to Get Leghairs Out of the Way is...
1) Prove your brass
by saying, "Let me pass, and my bike is yours if you can catch me!!"
Mr.Leghair's Top
Ten Reasons Why Mountain Bikers Smell:
10) Ever tried wiping
with a pine cone?
9) They never sit still long enough to whif themselves.
8) It helps the Forest Service locate the body.
7) Bathing in water rusts their components.
6) It keeps deer off the trail.
5) Nanners, protein bars and carbo drinks--one helluva methane
cocktail.
4) That shammy's 10,000 miles overdue for an oil change.
3) They've found alternative applications for Judy Butter.
2) They love the smell of sweat socks in the morning. It smells
like, VICTORY!
And the Number One
Reason Why Mountain Bikers Smell is...
1) You mean those
gloves are washable? What a concept!
Mr.Leghair's
Top Ten Justifications For Buying That $4,000.00 Mountain Bike:
10) I don't mind living
on Mac&Cheese for the next two years.
9) That Pell grant for college doesn't have to be repaid.
8) It came with free valve stem dust caps.
7) This one was half the price of my last bike!
6) It was the only one that matched the color of my helmet.
5) It was marked down from $4,029.00.
4) I wanted people to know that I'm single.
3) The salesman assured me I could ride twice as fast as people
on $2,000.00 bikes.
2) If I throw it on my roof rack, it increases my car's blue book
value to $4,500.00!
And the Number One
Justification for Buying That $4,000.00 Mountain Bike is...
1) They were fresh out
of $5,000.00 bikes!
Mr.Leghair's
Top Ten Things Speedsters Do While Waiting For Slower Riders:
10) Floss the bugs out of their
teeth.
9) Fondle their multi-tools.
8) Dig for nose nuggetts.
7) Alphabetize their Power Gels.
6) Sneak hits from their oxygen canisters.
5) Play with their imaginary friends.
4) Contemplate their quadriceps.
3) Practice that "What-took-you-so-long?" look.
2) Lament about declining BPM's.
And the Number One Thing Speedsters
Do While Waiting For Slower Riders is...
1) Check the Doo.
Mr.Leghair's
Top Ten Signs that You Need a New Bike:
10) Your bike has 23 speeds less
than the average bike.
9) It's getting harder and harder to throw a leg over your 25-inch
frame.
8) No one else cares anymore that your bike was the "top of the
line" when you bought it.
7) Your bike lock was stolen (off your bike.)
6) Face the music pal, bullmoose handlebars are out!
5) Your frame's serial number is etched in latin.
4) Four words: sparkle gold banana seat.
3) Three words: stick shift shifting.
2) Two words: Suntour equipped.
And the number one sign that You
Need a New Mountain Bike is...
1) One word: Huffy
Mr.Leghair's
Top Ten Signs that You're Over Accessorized:
10) You've pierced your nipples with
a set of 46 tooth chainrings.
9) You've got bar ends on your bar ends.
8) You fitted your rig with the Donna Karan detachable panniers
and garment bag ensemble.
7) You're wearing a Gore-Tex Stay Fresh Chamois Liner.
6) You shelled out $89 bucks for the Titanium Flickstand (Tm).
5) You've got the Ken & Barbie chrome plated, handlebar mounted,
rear-view mirrors. (Both left and right.)
4) ... the cell phone holster, with hands-free remote microphone.
3) ... the elbow-length black velvet gloves for formal night rides.
2) ... the spring-activated coin caddy on your top tube.
And the number one Sign that You're
Over Accessorized is...
1) You've got a helmet sock (any
variety.)
Mr.Leghair's
Top Ten Signs That You Need A New Chamois:
10) Those grinds out of
the saddle have your riding buddies playing Peek-a-Boo with Mr.
Brown Eye.
9) No one lets you pull the team in drafting trials anymore.
8) Your beloved trail colleagues always weep upon your arrival,
but never your departure.
7) Your shorts not only stand upright in the corner, but they heel
and play fetch too.
6) At the start of every ride, your ass crackles.
5) You lost your house key down your shorts once, and chose to live
outside for a week.
4) You find yourself getting invitations to take long rides off
of short trails.
3) You've got a bigger buldge in the rear than in the front.
2) Your neighbor's shih-tsu keeps popping by to dry hump your gear
bag.
And the number one
Sign that You Need a New Chamois is...
1) Superfluous Seepage.
Mr.Leghair's
Top Ten Ways to Tell You're Running Out of Steam:
10) You wish your bike
had power steering.
9) Your tongue feels like a Mr.Tuffy liner.
8) You've lost all feeling above your toes.
7) Forget clicking out of your pedals, you can't even click in!
6) If it weren't for downhill gravity, you'd be lunchmeat for mountain
lions.
5) Your trip computer's average speed = -7.
4) You no longer hold your wheezing while passing elderly lady bikers.
3) You no longer hold your wheezing while elderly lady bikers pass
you!
2) You start thinking, "Yeah, I could sleep right there. Right under
that shrubbery. Yeah."
And the number one
Way to Tell That You're Running Out of Steam is...
1) Instead of shouting,
"Passing on the left!" you're shouting, "Cardiac on the right!!"
Mr.Leghair's
Top Ten Clues that You're a Poser:
10)
All you carry in your saddle bag is a bottle of hair spray and a pack'a
smokes.
9) You're certain that your clamp-on Radio Shack mini stereo will
attract the "chicks."
8) You went for the buzz-cut and sideburns to be unique and radical,
now your kids can't find you at a NORBA event.
7) For you, a sense of accomplishment from a long climb means a clean
dismount on the approach.
6) No ride this weekend... forgot to pick up your jersey from the
dry cleaners again.
5) There's more electronics on your handlebar than the dash of your
car.
4) Your factory reflectors broke off, and you replaced them.
3) You have Oil of Olay knees.
2) Two words: Gucci eyewear.
And the number one
Clue that You're a Poser is...
1) One word: kickstand.
Mr.Leghair's
Top Ten Ways You Know That Last Crash Was Painful:
10) You got a pinchflat in your shorts.
9) Your clavicle now works like a quick-release.
8) You must ask your riding buddy to pre-chew your Powerbar.
7) You're retracing your path down the mountain to reclaim enough
material for a skin graft.
6) You wake up not knowing your name, but you do know what a Blue
Spruce tastes like.
5) You discover your knee pads were torn off, then you realize you
weren't wearing knee pads.
4) You can't find your mini-pump, but your chamois now whistles
when you walk.
3) You've accidentally reset your trip computer with your teeth.
2) You start thinking; "A cellular phone is actually a handy accessory
for a mountain bike."
And the number one reason You
Know That Last Crash Was Painful is...
1) You say, "Forget those $90.00
rims. I've just tacoed my Oakleys!!"
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