"‘Till death us do part' has been replaced by ‘as
long as I am happy.'"
"The available social science evidence suggests
that living together is not a good way to prepare
for marriage or to avoid divorce. No scholar that I know of, or anyone else
for that matter,
has been able to contest this with any counter evidence."
- David Popenoe, Professor of Sociology and Co-Director,
National Marriage Project, Rutgers
University.
Those who live together before marriage are the least
likely to marry each other.
A Columbia University study cited in New Woman magazine
found that "only 26% of women surveyed and a scant 19% of the men married
the person with whom they were cohabiting." A more comprehensive National
Survey of Families and Households, based on interviews with 13,000 people,
concluded, "About 40% of cohabiting unions in the U.S. break up without the
couple getting married." One of the reasons may be that those who cohabit
drift from one partner to another in search of the ‘right' person. The
average cohabitant has several partners in a lifetime.
Those who live together before marriage have higher
separation and divorce rates.
Depending on the specific statistical methods used it was found that
couples who marry after a period of cohabitation are at a 35% to 50% greater
risk of separating and/or divorcing than marriages without prior cohabitation
(Seltzer, 2000; Teachman, 2002; Teachman, 2003).
American Sociological Review
reported the findings of Yale University sociologist
Neil Bennett that cohabiting women were 80% more likely to separate or divorce
than were women who had not lived with their spouses before marriage (Bennett,
et. al. 1988). Other studies show that those who have
any type of pre-marital cohabiting experience have a 50 to 100 percent greater
likelihood of divorce than those who do not cohabit
premaritally (Axxinn and Thornton, 1992; Bumpass,
Sweet and Cherlin, 1991; T. R. Balakrishnan, et
al.1987).
The National Survey of Families and Households indicates
that "unions begun by cohabitation are almost twice as likely to dissolve
within 10 years compared to all first marriages: 57% to 30%." Another 5-year
study by William Axinn of the University of Chicago of 800 couples reported
in the Journal of Demography that those who cohabit are the most accepting
of divorce. In a Canadian study at the University of Western Ontario,
sociologists found a direct relationship between cohabitation and divorce
when investigating over 8,000 ever-married men and women (Hall and Zhoa
1995:421-427). It was determined that living in a non-marital union "has
a direct negative impact on subsequent marital stability," perhaps because
living in such a union "undermines the legitimacy of formal marriage" and
so "reduces commitment of marriage."
A 1992 random-sample survey of 993 Christianity Today
subscribers found that 78 percent of those who have been divorced engaged
in sexual intercourse prior to marriage. Conversely, 64 percent of the 714
first-marrieds surveyed were virgins at marriage. The study also found that
those who had engaged in sex before marriage were more likely to commit adultery
than those who had no premarital sexual experience. (CT Inc. Research Department,
"Christianity Today Marriage and divorce Survey Report," July,
1992.)
A study published in the Journal of Marriage
and Family (Binstock 2003), looked at the relationship between cohabiting
and marriage and the likelihood of separating. It found within two years,
32.4 percent of cohabiting couples in the study had separated, while only
8.3 percent of the married couples did. Overall, the rate of separation for
cohabitors was nearly five times that of married couples.
Another study (Teachman 2003) looked at the
relationship between premarital sex and cohabitation and the likelihood of
divorce. With data taken from the 1995 round of the National Survey of Family
Growth, they studied 6,577 women aged 15 to 45 who had been married and whose
first marriages were contracted between 1970 and 1995. They found that women
who cohabited before marriage were 33 percent more likely to have a marriage
that ends in divorce or separation than women who did not cohabit before
marriage. Compared to women who did not engage in premarital sex, those who
had their first sexual encounter before marrying were approximately 34 percent
more likely to divorce. For every year they delayed sex, the risk of marital
disruption was reduced by about 8 percent.
Jeff VanGoethem, in his book entitled, Living
Together, calls this "the first faultline that cracks the cohabitation
lifestyle. [It] undermines the future togetherness of the couple and leads
to disruption either before or after marriage" Johnson
2005).
Those who live together before marriage have unhappier
marriages.
A study by the National Council on Family Relations of 309 newlyweds found
that those who cohabited first were less happy in marriage. Women complained
about the quality of communication after the wedding. A physical relationship
is an inadequate foundation upon which to build a lasting lifelong relationship.
A study by researchers Alfred DeMars and Gerald Leslie (1984) found that
those who live together prior to marriage scored lower on tests rating
satisfaction with their marriages than couples who did not cohabit. A study
by Dr. Joyce Brothers showed that cohabitation has a negative affect on the
quality of a subsequent marriage (Scott 1994). Cohabitors without plans to
marry were found to be more inclined to argue, hit, shout and have an unfair
division of labor than married couples (Brown and Booth
1997).
Those who are sexually active before marriage are
much more likely to divorce. A study of 2,746 women in the National Survey of Family Growth performed
by Dr. Kahn of the University of Maryland and Dr. London of the National
Center for Health Statistics found that nonvirgin brides increase their odds
of divorce by about 60%. Some would argue that cohabitation does not
automatically mean that sex is taking place. However, cohabitation and sexual
relations are related or that there is a strong correlation between them.
Sex usually does accompany cohabitation (de Neui n.d.); Webster's Dictionary,
in fact, defines cohabitation as "living together as or as if husband and
wife." If cohabitants live together like "husband and wife," having sex is
a very reasonable expectation. Therefore, the assumption is made throughout
this writing (granting some occasional exceptions) that cohabitants do have
sexual relations.
Those who have had premarital sex are more likely
to have extramarital affairs as well.
Premarital sexual attitudes and behavior do not change after one marries;
if a woman lives with a man before marriage, she is more likely to cheat
on him after marriage. Research indicates that if one is willing to experience
sex before marriage, a higher level of probability exists that one will do
the same afterwards. This is especially true for women; those who
engaged in sex before marriage are more than twice as likely to have extramarital
affairs as those who did not have premarital sex. When it comes to staying
faithful, married partners have higher rates of loyalty every time. One study,
done over a 5-year period, reported in Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles indicates
90% of married women were monogamous, compared to 60% of cohabiting women.
Statistics were even more dramatic with male faithfulness: 90% of married
men remained true to their brides, while only 43% of cohabiting men stayed
true to their partner (Ciavola 1997). In another study published in the Journal
of Marriage and the Family researchers analyzed the relationships of 1,235
women, ages 20 to 37, and found that women that had cohabited before marriage
were 3.3 times more likely to have a secondary sex partner after marriage
(Forste and Tanfer 1996:33-47). It was also found that married women were
"5 times less likely to have a secondary sex partner than cohabiting women"
and that "cohabiting relationships appeared to be more similar to dating
relationships than to marriage."
Those who live together are likely to have a fleeting
romance rather than a lasting relationship.
A romance is not the same as having an ongoing relationship. Relationships
take time and work to develop and maintain; romance is a positive feeling
toward another person. Romance without relationship is a brief encounter
at best. Romance, in today's disposable society, is hastily devised and easily
discarded at the first sign of conflict or disillusionment. There is no lasting
commitment when times get tough. Good relationships are built upon knowing
and enjoying each other on social, recreational, spiritual, intellectual,
and communicative levels, not only the sexual
level.
Those who have "trial" marriages do not have better
marriages.
Trial runs or half steps, to test whether the relationship "works" are not
successful, in fact quite the opposite is true. Research indicates that couples
who live together before marriage have significantly lower marital satisfaction
than those who do not cohabit and they have weaker marriages, not stronger
ones. Conventional wisdom says it is acceptable to have a "trial period"
to "try the shoe on first to see if it fits" or to "test drive a car before
you buy it." Such analogies seems so
compelling that people are unable to interpret the mountains of data to the
contrary. Jennifer Roback Morse, in
Trouble
With, states:
Car
Analogy. The problem
with the car analogy: the car doesn’t have hurt feelings if the driver
dumps it back at the used car lot and decides not to buy it. The analogy
works great if you picture yourself as the driver. It stinks if you picture
yourself as the car.
Contract or Consent
Anaology. The contract or consent approach
doesn’t really help much either. Living together is fine as long as
both people agree to it. The agreement amounts to this: “I am willing
to let you use me as if I were a commodity, as long as you allow me to treat
you as if you were a commodity.” But this is a bogus agreement. We can
say at the outset that we agree to be the “man of steel”, but no
one can credibly promise to have no feelings of remorse if the relationship
fails.
Difference
between sexual activity
and other forms of activity. Giving oneself to a sexual partner is, by its
nature, a gift of oneself to another person. We all have a deep longing to
be cherished by the person we have sex with. That longing is not fooled by
our pretensions to sophistication.
Blank Check
Analogy. Suppose I ask you to give me a
blank check, signed and ready to cash. All I have to do is fill in the amount.
Most people would be unlikely to do this. You would be more likely to do
it, if you snuck out and drained the money out of your account before you
gave me the check. Or, you could give me the check and just be scared and
worried about what I might do. Think about it: What do you have in your checking
account that is more valuable than what you give to a sexual partner? When
people live together, and sleep together, without marriage, they put themselves
in a position that is similar to the person being asked to give a blank check.
They either hold back on their partner by not giving the full self in the
sexual act and in their shared lives together. Or, they feel scared a lot
of the time, wondering whether their partner will somehow take advantage
of their vulnerability.
For testing a marriage, however, just the opposite
is true!" All a man's ways seem right to him . . . " (Proverbs
21:2). A newly married couple makes a deliberate effort to accommodate
each other because they know their relationship will be for life. They want
to build compatibility, not test it. (Harley 1996). Walter Trobisch said
that,"sex is no test of love, for it is precisely the very thing that one
wants to test that is destroyed by the testing." Laura Schlessinger,
host of the nationally syndicated "Dr. Laura" radio show, scolds people nearly
every day for "shacking up with your honey." It's the "ultimate female
self-delusion," Mrs. Schlessinger says, listing cohabiting as one of the
"Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives" in her book of the same
name. "Dating -- not living in -- is supposed to be about learning and
discerning" about a prospective mate, she says.
Those who live together have no lasting commitments
or responsibilities. Cohabitation involves "no public commitment, no pledge for the future,
no official pronouncement of love and responsibility. Theirs is essentially
a private arrangement based on an emotional bond. The ‘commitment' of
living together is simply a month-to-month rental agreement. "As long as
you behave yourself and keep me happy, I'll stick
around."
Marriage, on the other hand, is much more than a love
partnership. It is a public event that involves legal and societal
responsibilities. It brings together not just two people but also two families
and two communities. It is not just for the here and now; it is, most newlyweds
hope, 'till death do us part.' Getting married changes what you expect from
your mate and yourself. Some would argue that "the marriage license is only
a piece of paper" and that "if God knows the heart, then He knows the truth
of the marriage" and therefore being "married" by the church or state is
an imposition and irrelevant. We are, however, admonished to obey the laws
of our government in Scriptures (c. Mt. 22:21; Mk. 12:17; Lk.
20:25), which requires us to have legal marriages. (Common law marriages
are recognized, in varying forms, in only 16 states - see the "Legal
Reasons").
Jessie Bernard in "The Future Of Marriage" states: "One fundamental fact
underlies the conception of marriage itself. Some kind of commitment must
be involved...Merely fly-by-night, touch and go relationships do not qualify.
"People who marry "til death do us part" have a quite different level of
commitment, therefore a quite different level of security, thus a quite different
level of freedom, and as a result a quite different level of happiness than
those who marry "so long as love doth last." The "love doth last" folks are
always anticipating the moment when they or their mate wakes up one morning
and finds the good feeling that holds them afloat has dissolved beneath
them."
Those who live together miss something in the maturing
process.
In this "alternative lifestyle," the aim is to have all the benefits and
privileges of a mature, married person without accepting the responsibilities
which maturity demands. Crudely stated, "why would you buy the cow when you
can get the milk for free?" Our society encourages people to focus on the
present and live for today — "if it feels good, do it". But the act
of formal marriage implies an emphasis on the future. Cohabitation also points
to a missing ingredient in the process of becoming mature: the willingness
to make commitments and live up to them. A willingness to defer immediate
pleasures in pursuit of a worthwhile goal is a mark of maturity. People who
make a commitment and accept total responsibility for their choices are more
likely to develop self-respect, personal pride, and integrity. Persons who
go from one relationship to another develop patterns opting out of a stressful
situation rather than hanging in there and dealing with it; these patterns
can carry over into a marriage (Anonymous n.d.). See the resource on
relationship maturity
and also the page on
Health
Reasons.
Transitioning from adolescence to full adulthood
is provided by marriage. People settle down when they get married. George
Akerlof (1998:287-309) notes that when men delay or avoid marriage, they
continue with the often antisocial and destructive behaviors of single men.
And it's the role of husband - not boyfriend or father - which seems to be
the key: having children by itself does not work the same
transformation in men's lives. Joseph Barth has said, "marriage is our last,
best chance to grow up."
Those living-together avoid dealing with
some of the joint decisions that married couples have to make. For example, money and property tend to be either 'his' or 'hers', not
'ours'. Consequently, it isn't all that important how
he or she spends his or her money. In-laws are rarely a factor; they often
disapprove and stay aloof from the couple.
Nor do most in-live arrangements have to adapt to children (Dunagan
1993).
Those who live together often have a "marriage
of convenience" or a "marriage of compatibility" rather than a marriage of
commitment. "Marriages of convenience" are disposable; marriages
of commitment are lifelong and not to be dissolved. Commitment means
being determined that the two of you will stick it out no matter what ("whether
in sickness or in health . . . so long as you both shall live"). When there
is an agreement without commitment it is easy to give up. When there is a
commitment ahead of time, you hang-tough through good times and the bad and
don't bail out at the first sign of trouble. As one pastor put it: "Imagine
building a wonderful house, but without nails. In the first stiff wind, it
will collapse" (McManus n.d.). Commitments are said and kept "before God"
and with His help, and "in a the company of people" - an agreement made between
two people and kept forever. A lifetime commitment, provided by marriage,
is needed in order for a relationship to be pleasing to God. When Jesus spoke
to the woman at the well, he pointed out her lack of commitment (Jn.
4:16-18). The Bible says men are to love their wives like Christ
loved the Church. Christ was so committed, that he died for the Church
(Eph. 5:25). The Bible also says that a husband must not
divorce his wife (1 Cor. 7:11). That's commitment to stay
and continually work on the relationship (de Neui n.d.).
In a recent statement by the Bishop of Pensylvania,
they said "Convenience" is a good thing, but it's not the basis for making
a decision that will affect your entire life. Married life is sometimes
inconvenient and even demanding. Cohabitation for convenience is poor preparation
for that kind of commitment. Research bears this out. Studies show that those
who live together before marriage tend to prefer "change," "experimentation"
and open-ended lifestyles - all of which could lead to instability in marriage.
One study, conducted by researchers at the University of Chicago and the
University of Michigan, concluded that couples who cohabit tend to experience
superficial communication and uncommitted decision-making once they are married.
Cohabitation for convenience does not allow for the careful thought and adequate
"space" necessary for making wise life decisions.
Those having premarital sex may be fooled into
marrying a person who is not right for them.
Sex can emotionally blind. Real love can stand the test of time without the
support of physical intimacy. "If you establish a mutually satisfying sexual
relationship, you lose objectivity and actually cheat on the test of time.
The only way to rationally decide whether your love is for keeps is to remove
any preoccupation with eros, sexual love. Otherwise you may marry a mirage,
not a person you really know."
Those living together have superficial and
significantly weaker relationships.
Researchers have found that couples who live together before marriage have
weaker marriages (DeMars and Leslie 1984). Anyone can make love, but not
everyone can carry on a meaningful conversation. A good relationship is much
more than physical intimacy. Beauty is more than skin deep; there is a deeper
intimacy of the mind and spirit that takes the time and commitment of a marriage
to develop to the fullest. Physical attraction is insufficient glue with
which to build or maintain a lasting relationship. A more recent study at
Johns Hopkins University, again confirmed that couples who cohabit have quite
different and significantly weaker relationships than married couples (Schoen
and Weinick 1993:408-414). They determined that men and women looking for
someone with whom they could cohabit search for "characteristics such as
education which can reflect a short-term ability to contribute to the
relationship." The researchers found, "While cohabitors anticipate time together,
married persons anticipate a lifetime." They also discovered that most
cohabitations end within two years and that "cohabitations are not informal
marriages, but relationships formed by looser
bonds."
Those who live together have more difficulty resolving
conflicts.
Attempts are made to resolve conflicts with a hug, kiss, or more--rather
than developing the ability to talk through them. The qualities that hold
a relationship together - trust, honesty, openness, deep friendship, spiritual
intimacy - take time and effort to develop. When you focus on the physical
aspect, you short-circuit that process. Physical intimacy is a mistaken attempt
to quickly build emotional bridges, but relationships built on such an inadequate
foundation eventually collapse. A recent study at Penn State University (Brown
& Booth 1997) comparing the relationship qualities of 682 cohabitors
and 6,881 marrieds, (both White and Black, aged 19 to 48 years of age), found
that cohabitors argue, shout and hit more than married
couples.
Those who live together before marriage can kill
the romance. A woman most often see living together as romantic, while the man views
the arrangement a "practical" solution that will help them iron out differences
and strengthen their love (Scott 1994:80). In fact, live-in couples may find
it harder to build lasting love precisely because they have lost their
starry-eyed, romantic "illusions."
Those who live together before marriage often lay
a foundation of distrust and lack of respect.
Mature love is built on the security of knowing that your love is exclusive.
There is no one else. Premarital intimacy causes you to wonder: "If he or
she has this little control with me now, have there been others before me
and will there be others in the future too?" As suspicion and distrust increase,
you slowly lose respect or the other person. The trust factor is an important
ingredient in a healthy marriage--the knowledge that each partner can relax
and be him/herself at the most intimate level without the fear of doing something
that will drive the other away -- is missing from the living-together arrangement
(Anonymous n.d.). Cohabitors are not as sexually exclusive as married
couples (Treas and Giesen 2000).
Premarital sex lays the groundwork for comparisons, suspicions, and
mistrust. Real trust grows in the context of the life-long commitment within
a monogamous relationship of marriage. The National Sex Survey found that
cohabiting men were about four times as likely as husbands to report infidelity
in the past year. Cohabiting women were eight times more likely than
wives to cheat on their partners (Laumann et.al.,
1994).
Those who live together do not experience the best
sex.
The best sex is found in the marriage relationship. It is reported that if
a couple abstains from sex before marriage, they are 29 to 47 percent more
likely to enjoy sex afterward. In a study by Dr. Evelyn Duvall and Dr. Judson
Landis, evidence was found that premarital sex was not as
satisfying.
A study by Linda Waite, Ph.D., a sociologist at the
University of Chicago and reported in
"Psychology
Today," found the frequency of satisfaction rose considerably after couples
adapted during marriage. Married people lead more active sex lives. While
cohabiting couples have similarly high levels of sex, married men and women
have more satisfaction in the bedroom. That's because married people know
the tastes of their partner better and can safely cater to them, while the
emotional investment in the relationship boosts the
thrill.
A recent Michigan study found that individuals who
have never cohabited outside of marriage were more likely to rate their
relationships stronger than those who have cohabited (49% of non-cohabitors
rated their relationship a "10," compared to 36% of those who have cohabited)
(Michigan Family Forum, 1998).
Another recent study by the Family Research Council
titled "What's Marriage Got to Do With It?" found "72 percent of all married
'traditionalists' (those who strongly believe out of wedlock sex is wrong
and attend church weekly) report high sexual satisfaction. This is roughly
31 percentage points higher than the level registered by unmarried
'nontraditionalists.'" The survey “found that
strictly monogamous women experienced orgasm during sex more than twice as
often as promiscuous women. David Larson, a National Institutes
of Health researcher, says that couples who don’t sleep together before
marriage and who are faithful during marriage “are more satisfied with
their current sex life and also with their marriages compared to those who
were involved sexually before marriage.”
" It's not till sex has died
out between a man and a woman that they can really love.
And now I mean affection. Now I mean to be fond of (as one is fond of oneself)
--to hope, to be disappointed, to live inside the other heart. When I look
back on the pain of sex,
the love like a wild fox so ready to bite, the antagonism that sits like
a twin beside love, and contrast
it with affection, so deeply unrepeatable, of two people who have lived a
life together
(and of whom one must die) it's the affection I find richer. It's that I
would have again.
Not all those doubtful rainbow colors."
- Enid Bagnold
Sexual happiness grows only through years of intimate
relationship. The height of sexual pleasure, usually comes after ten to twenty
years of marriage ( Fryling 1995). Good sex, Frying says, begins in the head.
It depends on intimate knowledge of your partner. The Bible uses the words
"to know" to describe sexual intercourse (e.g., Adam "knew his wife Eve,
and she conceived and bore" a son (Gen. 4:1). Real love described in scripture
elevates human sexuality from mere animal sex to intimate expressions of
love and commitment. Psychiatrist and medical researcher David Larson, after
researching the subject with Mary Ann Mayo, says that "The most religious
women are most satisfied with the frequency of intercourse . . . and were
more orgasmic than are the nonreligious" (Larson and Mayo
1994:14).
In two new large surveys, the first know as the National
Sex Survey of 3,500 people (Laumann et.al., 1994) and the second of 1,000
people (Stanley & Markman 1997), it was found that married people
have both more and better sex than singles do. They not only have sex
more often, but they enjoy it more, both physically and emotionally, than
do their unmarried counterparts.
Cohabitors do have more sex than married couples,
but they don't seem to enjoy it as much (Waite & Gallagher 2000:79, 83).
For men, 48% of husbands say sex with their wife is extremely satisfying
emotionally, compared to just 37% of cohabiting men. For men, 50% of husbands
say sex with their wife is satisfying physically, compared to just 39% of
cohabiting men (Waite & Joyner n.d.).
In a 2002 survey reported by British health magazine
Top Sante, 2,000 women across the UK, two thirds of married women
say the best sex they've had is with their husband, compared to 13 percent
who say it was when they were single and just nine percent when having an
affair. "This survey turns on its head the idea that the best sex is when
we are footloose, fancy free and single." Juliette Kellow, Top Sante's
editor, says "The truth is truly great sex and deep intimacy are most
likely to happen within the trusting, committed environment of marriage or
a long-termrelationship." Even after 14 years of marriage, 63 percent of
women still fancy their husband as much as when they first met and 65 percent
think sex never goes off the boil with the right man.
It is believed that commitment is the secret ingredient
in marriage that increases sexual pleasure for both sexes. A person
committed to making love with only one person in life has a strong incentive
to learn how to best please that person. The energy and attention that is
devoted to their spouse increases the sexual satisfaction. Having sex with
someone you love and who knows how to please you literally doubles your sexual
pleasure. Paradoxically, selfless love brings far greater sexual satisfaction
to the relationship. Married people enjoy sex more not only because their
partner is more available, less distracted, more eager, and more able to
please, but also because marriage itself adds meaning to the sex act. The
expectation of permanence of relation provides for the highest sexual
satisfaction. This directly contradicts the popular notion that sex is always
the most fun with a new person.
"Married sex really is better sex. Over
the long run, there is no better strategy for achieving
great sex than binding oneself to an equally committed mate. For both
men and women,
marriage as a social institution facilitates the development and maintenance
of an
emotionally committed, long-term, exclusive union, which typically
brings spectacular sexual rewards."
- Waite and Gallagher
(2000:96)
Those who live together often face parental
disapproval.
It is difficult to keep the secret quiet. Lies have to be told over and over
again to cover up the truth. There are issues of monetary support from parents,
what to do with the partner's possessions when they visit, and guilt about
going against their wishes and lying to them(Jackson 1996). The fear of loss
of parental support is substantial (Johnson 1996).
Those who live together hurt their children. Penn State sociologists Wendy Maning and Daniel Lichter estimate that
2.2 million children in America live with one parent and an unmarried partner
(Stalcup 1996). Children need the love and care of real parents. Unstable
and broken relationships traumatize children for life. Children of cohabiting
couples who come from previously broken marriages get mixed messages and
view their parents as having a double standard. For example, the cohabiting
parents have great difficulty establishing moral guidelines for their children,
especially when they reach the dating age.
Those who live together before marriage often lack
a common purpose.
Many couples drift together. They date, have sex, sleep together, spend a
weekend together, eventually begin to bring clothes, toothbrush, etc. for
the convenience and one day look up and realize they have migrated into a
shared living arrangement. The lack of common purpose is a problem then,
Johnson (1996) says, because now they are deep into the relationship and
haven't begun to talk about the important things, like "are we going to work
it out? What is going to be our future? What is going to be down the road?"
They have not thought about "being obligated to the other person." "They
don't want to be committed. They want it where they can get out pretty easy
if they want to. Easy to walk out the door." Realistically, marriage carries
with it a lot more expectations -- a house, a car, all the matching silverware,
and the couch. Cohabitation is a way of getting out of all those
expectations.
Those who live together often have
different intentions for the
future.
One of the problems of cohabiting relationships
is that men often enter it with less intention to marry than do women. Research
has shown that it is women who are more often disappointed (VanGoethem 2005).
Sociologist Roland Johnson says, most females will tell you "We're gonna
get married. We love each other. This will work." The men responded that
their number one reason for cohabitation was readily available sex. It had
nothing to do with marriage (Johnson
202).
Those who live together before marriage do not
have an egalitarian relationship. Even though most young people claim to want an egalitarian marriage,
studies have found that invariably living arrangements for cohabitants follow
the more traditional role format. According to Johnson (1996), men tend to
go to school, go play, come home and they want their meals cooked, the house
clean, their clothes ready to go. Women find themselves on the short end
of the stick performing all those very roles that are contrary to egalitarian
marriage.
Those who live together before marriage do not
have specialization of responsibilities.
The evidence clearly shows that "living together" is qualitatively different
from marriage. The commitment of marriage makes specialization in chores
and responsibilities sensible; spouses count on their partners to fill in
for them where they are weak. By contrast, cohabitation is unstable, easy
to get out of, and makes specialization less
rational.
Those who live together before marriage have
less support and benefits. Marriage is far superior to cohabitation at connecting people to others
- work acquaintances, in-laws - who are a source of support and benefits.
It links people to a world larger than themselves.
A Survey Result:
Those who lived together before marriage, when compared
to couples,
were characterized by all the following
attributes:
Lower levels of overal marital
satisfaction.
Lower overall commitment to marriage as an
institution.
Less likely to see their spouse as their best
friend.
Less likely to believe their spouse respects
them.
Greater fear of divorce.
More restless about their marriage and outside
relationships.
Source: George Barna (Pollster) The Future of the American
Family. Moody. 1993.
"Where as before it was 'for richer or poorer,
in sickness and in health,
until death do we part' now it is 'until boredom sets in'"
"People who marry "til death do
us part" have a quite different level of commitment, therefore a quite different
level of security, thus a quite different level of freedom, and as a result
a quite different level of happiness than those who marry "so long as love
doth last." The "love doth last" folks are always anticipating the moment
when they or their mate wakes up one morning and finds the good feeling that
holds them afloat has dissolved beneath them."
- Jessie Bernard in "The Future Of
Marriage"
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