This Month at Home continued...

The Ultimatum

Finally, I was delivered an ultimatum: I was to leave the area alone for a week of prayer and to decide whether or not I would agree to reconcile or be immediately, publicly exposed, to church members, to major Gentle Spirit columnists, and to national home schooling leaders.

I arranged for the children to be cared for by homeschooling friends and sought welcome refuge and solace in the mountains of Washington for a week's time, feeling under the circumstances I had no other option. Before I left, I sought the protection of the courts by way of obtaining restraining orders. I knew that without them, I would likely return to find that Claude had moved back into our home in my absence, and that with nowhere to go and with few assets, I would be forced into a reconciliation which was at least premature and at worst very dangerous. I feared for myself and for my children and wanted to ensure that I retained legal custody. I also wanted to protect what remained of Gentle Spirit funds, the mailing list, and our office equipment during the time I was gone. If the church or Christian men in a woman's life are unable or unwilling to protect her and her children against ongoing violence, intimidation, and lawlessness, and if the church excuses such actions as normal or understandable on the part of an angry or "hurt" Christian man and even supports and participates in those actions, then her only recourse is an appeal to the legal system for protection. I knew from my many years of work as a court reporter and legal secretary that the only way I could obtain restraining orders and ensure protection of the business was to first file for divorce. Without a divorce filing, such protection from a husband cannot be obtained. I would like all reading these words who may not understand that in situations like these, a woman is left without ability to obtain protection of any kind unless she first files for divorce. It is the only way custody of children or residence in the family home can be legally established or assets of family businesses protected. To file for divorce does not mean one has divorced or even necessarily intends to divorce; a divorce filing can remain pending forever and need never be made final. To simply report that someone has"filed for divorce"with no further explanation -- especially when those writing or circulating such information know of the lawless acts for which protection has been sought, yet fail to include that information -- paints a picture so distorted and simplistic as to be deceptive. Whether such actions are taken out of naivete or ignorance or deliberately with intent to mislead, the damage done by way of misrepresentating the truth remains the same.

I left, then, for a week's time in compliance with the ultimatum delivered to me, seeking the Lord in the silence of the hills. I called the children twice, sometimes three times each day.

Speaking

I then sought counsel as to whether I should go on to speak at what was to become my last public speaking engagement. I think it's important to note that no magazine but the brief, troubled May issue was written after my confession and only one speaking engagement was kept after that time. My commitment to speak this final time had been made over a year previously, and I had advertised it for months in the pages of Gentle Spirit. The day before I was scheduled to speak I sought counsel as to whether I should go. I believed I could speak with a clear conscience, and I felt bound to honor the promise I had made, for the sake of the many women I knew who were flying long distances to hear me. All of the six people I contacted the day before I left for that last speaking engagement agreed that I should speak, with the exception of the pastor's wife, who threatened to contact those in charge of the convention if I did so, even though the pastor, her husband, had given his approval. After obtaining additional counsel, she continued to believe I should not speak, but retracted the threat of exposure.

I went on to speak in an absolute agony of loneliness and fear. I missed my family. I wanted to be home. But I felt bound to honor the commitment I had made a year earlier, and judging by the response I received to the six workshops I delivered, the Lord was with me as I spoke, not for my own sake, I realize, but for the sake of those who came to hear me and were praying for me.

Proofs Meet For Repentance

I flew home immediately following this speaking engagement. When I arrived at home, I received a phone call from a man I did not know well who was the head of a large home schooling organization back east. He left a message on my answering machine which stated that he had "spoken with Claude and my pastor," asking that I return his call, which I did. He told me he knew of my sin, and he said that together, he, Claude and the pastor had agreed that I should perform a series of what was described as "proofs meet for repentance," evidence that I had truly repented. These steps included, among other things, that I turn over the funds in my one remaining bank account to the care of the pastor, (Claude retained in his possession the contents of the remaining three accounts), that I have no signatory authority over any checking accounts at all, although I remained in my home, responsible for providing for the childre ,that all expenditures, business and personal, were to be approved by the pastor, with the pastor the sole signatory on the account; that I have no personal phone, post office box, pager; that I agree that Gentle Spirit cease operating; that I was not to publish another issue of Gentle Spirit or the anthologies which had been promised; that I maintain silence, agree ing never to tell my "side" of the story, that I drop all legal protections and restraining orders, that I write a letter of apology to a list of home schooling leaders whom, I learned for the first time, and that I agree to fly immediately to the Midwest for a two-week period of counsel together with Claude for the purpose of reconciliation. I was to call this man the following day to report how many of the steps I had performed.

I was stunned by this call, and it did not occur to me until much later that this man, whom I barely knew, and who lived thousands of miles away, had been brought in to exercise what the pastor and his wife and Claude considered to be the final steps of church discipline. Although our interaction had been cordial in the past, this man was essentially a stranger, and his involvement in and knowledge of matters so intimate to me left me feeling violated and profoundly betrayed. The list of required proofs overwhelmed and frightened me, as did the severity of this man's approach. He told me he did not know if I was a Christian or not, but if I performed these proofs of repentance, then he would know I was. If I did not perform them and I was truly a Christian, then he would expect to hear soon that I had been killed in a car accident, plane wreck, or other tragedy. If I failed to perform them and I was not truly a Christian, then nothing disastrous would happen to me, proving I was never a child of God in the first place. I am a strong woman, but in those moments I was not strong.

Nevertheless, I did try to meet the proofs. The next day, as I had agreed, I called the man at the appointed time from a family gathering at my parents' lake home. I had performed several of the "proofs of repentance," and he reminded me of the next steps which were expected. I asked how soon I was expected to fly to the the Midwest, and he said, "Immediately, within a few days." After the phone call, I discussed the list of proofs with family members, all Christians, elders, church leaders, all of whom expressed concern over the severity of what was being required. The next day, near the time appointed for me to report on my progress, my mother contacted this man by phone. Speaking as a mother and grandmother, and as my oldest Gentle Spirit columnist (Grama's Corner), and on behalf of my father, as well, she expressed concern, especially over the requirement that I fly to the Midwest for counseling so soon after my return from my week away and from speaking. She was worried, as all the family was, for the children, especially. The man involved then became quite angry, announced he was through with his involvement in the situation, and that I would be "exposed" the following day. My mother ended the phone call terribly shaken and crying inconsolably.

The Letter of Discipline

The next day I learned through family members that a "letter of discipline" had been prepared, since I had failed to meet the required list of proofs in timely fashion. It was only then that I fully realized that in the minds of the pastor and Claude, the steps of church discipline had now been completed, and that I was to be excommunicated. The following Sunday morning, the letter was read aloud to the entire congregation of the church I had not attended since April. I learned via family members that this letter had also been faxed to several nationally prominent home schooling leaders, who had been asked to support the "discipline" and "exposure" by way of advocating a corporate, cross-denominational, shunning and boycott of Gentle Spirit, and who, in turn, acted to inform other leaders in the home schooling community of my failure to meet the proofs. I was never sent and never saw this letter personally until I received a copy of it from a reader many months later.

No leader in the home schooling community who was contacted ever called me to verify the facts or to discuss the situation with me prior to notifying others in the home schooling community. When I took the initiative and faxed one leader I learned had been contacted, an editor and publisher , I learned she had already notified other national home schooling leaders, strictly on the basis of the pastor's letter, corroborated by the word of the home schooling leader back East, having made no attempt to speak with me first. Her response to my fax was sharp, defensive and harsh. She reminded me that I had been a "disastrous example" and rebuked me for sharing additional information with her.

In short order, leaders of state organizations received copies of the "letter of discipline". Several of my columnists and advertisers were contacted. Subscription cancellations and advertising cancellations poured into the office by the hundreds, along with stop payment orders issued on subscription, back order, and advertising checks. Money taken from Gentle Spirit accounts months earlier by Claude had never been returned, and the flood of cancellations and stop payment orders greatly impacted the operation of Gentle Spirit. I found myself alone at home with my seven children, attempting to run the office and care for them, hopelessly behind, in the midst of the biggest crisis of my life, awash in cancellations, accusations, and, sometimes, harsh condemnation, numb with fear and pain. In the next weeks, to my knowledge, five different publications, one of which I helped to establish by way of counsel and free advertising, published reports of my "discipline". Several inferred or stated outright that Gentle Spirit would no longer be published, resulting in another flood of cancellations and stop payment orders, even though there was never any truth to that report. Within two weeks of the "exposure," several major columnists resigned and withdrew their ads, and two columnists announced the publication of a new magazine to be written, in part, by some of these former Gentle Spirit columnists. None of the columnists who resigned (and not all did, praise God) spoke with me to verify any of the facts before doing so.

Folders "exposing" me were established on all three major computer online services, Compuserve, Prodigy, and America Online, in two instances by the editor and/or office manager of a publication similar to Gentle Spirit. The folders and posts featured such titles as "Gentle Spirit Divorce," and "The Truth About Cheryl." This meant that the most intimate and private struggles of my life were now a matter of online, national public debate, available not only to the Christian world, but to the unsaved, who often read through the folders (and frequently responded to the many hateful and condemning posts with shock, outrage, and disbelief.) Many of the posts contained distortions, errors and outright lies. Although much later, some of these posts were retracted, the damage was done. The comments in the folders violated the terms of service of all three online services, and all three services eventually deleted the offending posts and sometimes, entire folders, after frequent warnings against attacks and harrassment went unheeded.

*****

Within three weeks of the "exposure", Claude took me to court, asking that the remaining assets of the business be frozen, and that I pay him $4,500 per month in spousal maintenance. He did not request and has never had custody of any of the children. The judge ordered that I pay spousal maintenance to Claude in the amount of $1,000 per month, beginning in July. In late summer Claude asked the court to set a trial date for the finalizing of the divorce. He has stated to the pastor and many others that he has no desire to reconcile.
In September he moved out of the pastor's home and out of the area. As of this writing in late January, he has refused to provide a phone number or a street address to any of the children or to me, stating he is at peace and wants no unexpected visitors. He has seen the children four times for less than five hours each visit since last August and has called them five times, for less than five minutes each time, although he is entitled to visitation every other weekend. The children have left innumerable messageswith the pastor (who alone knows where Claude lives) and his wife, but he does not respond to these messages, nor does he return the children's calls. At one point nine weeks passed with no phone calls or contact of any kind, and as of this writing, he has not contacted the children for seven weeks.

Claude has neither worked nor sought work to my knowledge since last March. He receives IBM retirement, continues to have in his possession the funds withdrawn from the three bank accounts last summer, and he has received spousal maintenance from me as the court has required. Until he moved out of the area, he continued to enjoy full membership priveleges at the church, including leading worhip and singing solos.

Since I have still failed to mee the required list of proofs, I remain excommunicated. No one from the church save one elder's wife, who has been concerned for me, bless her heart, has contacted me since July, nor have I had contact with the pastor and his wife, other than to leave messages for Claude. My two older sons have continued to "side" with the pastor and with Claude; however, they call and visit regularly and our visits are loving and peaceable. My sons both received full salary from Gentle Spirit through the month of August, although they stopped working for Gentle Spirit in May. I continued to pay them, hoping they would fulfill their commitments to GS by way of completing work promised or already begun, particularly work on the anthology. I am aware that they also have tried many times since September to contact Claude without success. I love my sons dearly and have continued to help them as much as I can, financially and otherwise, and we see one another fairly often and enjoy our times together despite the pain of the last few months. I am not angry or bitter against them although I believe the position they have taken is wrong. They were raised to fear their dad and are accustomed to angry violence, almost viewing it as normal, even though they too were alarmed by the increasing destructiveness they witnesssed over the year before Claude left. I understand why they have done what they've done and know they intend to confront their dad, if they can contact him.

A New Fellowship

At the specific (and unsolicited) invitation of a different pastor who, since he is my brother, has intimate knowledge of the entire situation, I have been attending a local Bible-believing church since last July, together with my children. It is a sweet and humble fellowship which emphasizes sound doctrinal teaching, and the children and I have received much quiet healing there, surrounded as we are by family members and old friends, a few Gentle Spirit-type families, and other loved ones, including a dear older woman, Betty, the woman who helped me into the baptismal pool for my baptism when I was 11 years old. How her beloved, gentle countenance and sweet encouragement, complete with tears and hugs each week, have blessed me, time and time again! She herself has walked through the furnace and found God faithful, and I have been so comforted in my brief moments in her presence each week.

Today

I continue, as always, to live here on my acreage in my mobile home with my children and animals and gardens, to homeschool, homestead, and live simply. I hired an excellent, efficient secretary last summer, Janet, along with several temporary office workers who helped me to catch up on some of the office work. As of late November, although no current issue of the magazine had yet been mailed, all of the back issues ordered to date had been mailed. I have my family's support, and family members have offered their help, especially in the weeks to come as you sisters respond as the Lord leads. I plan to do my best to fulfill all of Gentle Spirit's obligations to you all, whatever it takes. Jenni continues to be my right arm, or maybe both right and left, although, having graduated last summer from home school high school, she is gone each day, attending classes in Early Childhood Education at a local community college. My other children still at home, Claude, almost 17, Jesse, 11, Tiffany, 9, Hosanna, 7, Emily 5, and Naomi, 3, are doing surprisingly well under the circumstances. I spend as much time one on one as I possibly can with them and have made extra efforts to involve them in church activities so that they can spend time with long time friends, cousins and other family members.

A Long, Long Story

I realize this has been a long, long story. Believe it or not, there's more. I've only included what I believed was most important to present a fair picture of what has transpired since last May. I've considered and reconsidered all of my options over the past months. I could have allowed the picture which was painted publicly of my situation to stand unaddressed, that out of the blue I had a midlife fling, renounced my faith — God forbid — and ran off into the sunset. But that isn't what happened. It is untrue. I have learned over the years that whatever struggles and challenges I am facing, other committed Christians are facing, too, or will be facing one day. I am far more willing than most to openly acknowledge my struggles. But that doesn't mean those very same struggles aren't being faced by countless others who are agonizing in the dark silence of shame and despair.

God Hates Divorce

And what of divorce? God hates it. That's what His Word says, and I am as committed to His Word as ever I was. As you know by now, there are as many ways to view my situation as there are committed Christians. Some of you would say I have never been legitimately married at any time and that I am not free to reconcile to either Claude or my first husband. Others of you would say I am correct to have separated from Claude, since my remarriage was adulterous, and that I should remain unmarried or be reconciled to my first husband. Still others of you would consider that my only biblical option is to reconcile with Claude. I beg of you, please do not send me any more books or tracts on divorce and remarriage! I have read them all, with God as my witness, some of them, like, Til Death Do Us Part, and Ronald Border's, The Bible vs. Divorce/Remarriage, four or five times, all the way through. In the end, my answers must be found in the sanctity and privacy of my own walk with Him, where He whispers into my spirit, guides me by His Spirit, and then confirms His word through those who know me intimately, who continue to walk alongside me, and who desire His best for me. The severity and mercy of the Lord are such that we can, with both joyous expectancy and fear and trembling, await the day when we will all stand before Him, knowing that on that glorious day, His judgments will be completely just and completely righteous. Until that time, we see through a glass most darkly. We know only in part. Oh, my Sisters! What a glorious day it will be indeed when we meet Him face to face!

The Future of Gentle Spirit

And what about the future of Gentle Spirit? I plan to persevere and to continue to publish. It is still my children's heritage, and the vision the Lord gave me for keeping at home is still my vision. I remain committed to Jesus, committed to His Word, committed to my family. That will never change. The next six months at least promise to be full of back-breaking, arduous, labor. I realize that. But I have the support of my family, my children will help me, and somehow, as always, I will do what has to be done. My goal eventually is to distribute much more of the work among many more sisters; several have offered their help and I plan to take them up on it.

As far as your subscriptions go, I have offered you several alternatives in the order forms in the back of this issue by which you may fulfill your subscription. If you do not return those pages, then your subscription will be automatically extended by the number of issues you have missed. If you do return them, we will do our level best to respond as quickly as possible according to the options you've selected.

If you believe you can receive into your heart and life only those magazines which are published by people whose lives have exhibited your family's particular standard of righteousness, may God bless you. I understand, and I realize Gentle Spirit will likely not be acceptable to you, now that you know my story. If, on the other hand, you believe that God can use even sinners, broken people like me, then perhaps Gentle Spirit will continue to be a blessing in your life. It will continue to be the magazine it has always been, written according to the same vision, and with the same content, though without some of the columnists we had before. I plan to continue to feature the best articles I can find to encourage you as you live out your lives as keepers at home.

There is much healing to be done in my family, and that will take time. I plan to continue to feature articles on marriage but written by older women whose marriages have stood the test of time.

If it should be so that the Lord does not allow Gentle Spirit to continue, then that will be His decision. It was His to begin with, His throughout, and it remains wholly His. He knows what is best. I am more than willing to bow to His will, which He will be sure to make known.

Please

I do have one very important final request to make. I have opened my heart and life to you here to share some of the most intimately painful chapters of my life with you. Having shared so much, I must humbly ask now that you allow this issue of the magazine to stand alone as my statement, without requesting further, more detailed or specific information. While I realize this may not be satisfactory to some of you, nevertheless, I must ask that you respect my decision not to provide anything further or additional to what I've provided here. If you request additional information, I will not respond. If that means you cannot in good conscience continue to subscribe, then I'll likewise respect your wishes and will do all I can to quickly fulfill the balance of your subscription in whatever way you indicate on the order form enclosed.

I love you all. How I've missed you! It is my prayer, Lord willing, that we might share again for a good long time the sweet fellowship we have enjoyed for the past five years. Nevertheless, not my will, but His be done.

In His Arms,

Cheryl