by Shulamis Lifshitz

            In 1936, Webster’s dictionary defined the word friend as “one who is attached to another by affection, or who entertains for another sentiments of esteem and respect, which lead him to desire his company and seek to promote his happiness and prosperity.”  In 1983, Webster’s dictionary defined the word friend as “a person who one knows and is fond of.”  Basically, over the 47-year time-span, the definition of the word friend became more superficial.  But what is the true meaning of friendship?  If, as defined by Webster’s dictionary, a friend is just “a person whom one knows and is fond of,” is friendship necessary?

            The Gemarah tells the story of Choni Hama’agal.  Choni fell asleep for 70 years.  When he awoke he went to a shul.  He heard a discussion between two people saying who were trying to figure out what a particular passage meant.  They exclaimed, “If only Choni Hama’agal were here; he’d be able to answer for us.”  Hearing this, he approached them and identified himself.  They argued, saying that Choni had died a long time ago and refused to believe him.  Wherever he went, he received a similar response.  Finally, he turned to Hashem and implored for mercy, after which he died.  Rava ties in the saying “either a friend or death,” with the following story.   Clearly, from a Torah point of view, a friend is an essential factor of life.

            In Pirkei Avot, it says: “ Establish a teacher for yourself, acquire  a friend, and judge every person favorably.” Different terminologies are used in reference to the Rabbi and to the friend.  When the verse speaks of the Rabbi, it tells a person to establish one for himself, because a rabbi is a fundamental factor in leading a Jewish life.  A person constantly needs a higher authority from which he can seek advice.

  In reference to the friend, a person is instructed to acquire one.  In other words, in order to obtain a friend, a person has to do things to gain the favor of the friend and establish the proper relationship.  This is not so in the case of the rabbi.  Rabbi Samson Rafael Hirsch says that it is with these two categories of people that one can cherish another human being on the highest level.  The reason being that there are so few of each.  

Rabbi Yisroel Reisman says that a rav that one is instructed to establish over himself is someone with whom his neshama connects. He says that finding one’s rav is similar to finding one’s shidduch.  Each of the two, the rabbi-student relationship and in marriage, needs to be his “soul-mate.”  If this is the case, there is an extremely limited amount of rebbeim/mentors a person can have.  The same concept applies to friends; there are only so many that one can have.  Therefore, since one can only attain so few, Rav Samson Rafael Hirsch said that they bring about the highest level which one can cherish another human being.

            From our lives, it would seem that most of us could disprove Rav Samson Rafael Hirsch’s statement about friends.  Friends seem to be such an easy thing to obtain.  Additionally, how many of us have only a few friends?  Yet, if the statement was made by someone of R’ Hirsch’s caliber, it is not a statement that can simply be brushed away.  So, what is a friend, and how do we obtain one?

            In Pirkei Avot, it says: “Any love that is not dependant on a thing will last.”  Based on the above, R’ Yonah and R’ Moshe Alshakar say that one should place a friend’s interest over his own.  The friendship should not be based on each individual’s expectations being fulfilled; rather, each should sacrifice his desires for those of his friend, even if he knows that ultimately he will lose out  by doing so.  His friend’s wishes should take precedence over his own wishes.  The Rambam says that by both friends trying to please the other, the two will forge common goals and interests.  They will begin to understand each other and their views.  Thus, they will be able to form an effective friendship in which both parties can identify with the other.   

            The Rambam identifies three levels of friendship:

The first one he terms as Pragmatic Friendships in which the two acquaintances need each other for something and therefore form a relationship; once the need is fulfilled, the relationship will break up because there is no bond in such a case.  The need is the binding factor. 

The second type of relationship is termed as Empathetic Friendship, where the two acquaintances have a caring responsiveness towards one another.  They are happy and sad for each other, help each other when the need arises and make life easier to bear.  This type of relationship is based in trust and confidence; thus is will endure, for the bond is strong and hard to break. 

The third type of relationship is termed as Value Friendship, the ultimate relationship.  Aside from being dedicated to one another, the two friends are committed to the same values.  Theirs is unity of deeper meaning; they rise above personal concerns and are focused on the well being of their counter-part, while keeping their ultimate purpose in mind. 

The Maharal  says that in the proceeding mishnos, it refers to groupings of different things in decreasing numerical order.  It starts with the number ten, going down to seven, and then four.  Next comes our mishnah .  This mishnah is the next decrease in numerical value; it refers to the number one.  When two people form a relationship, which is not based upon anything, such as in the second or third categories, they form a strong sense of unity, which will ultimately endure.  When two people unite in a “real” friendship or a value friendship, the unity is so intense that they become like one, and nothing can break them apart.  It is this form of friendship that is the ultimate achievement to acquire, as one can only acquire very few through out a lifetime, and therefore, as R’ Samson Rafael Hirsch says, they are the most cherished individuals.

 Although this is the most worthwhile friendship, a person should still have friends from the one or both of the other categories; He can have friends from the first category, even though it is obviously unstable.  It is impossible for all of one’s friends to belong in category number three; therefore, it is most important for a person to have friends from group two, and possibly group one.  Yet, it is still unclear why friends in general, and specifically this type, are essential to living as a Jew, as the Talmud says, "Either a Friend or Death."  Therefore, I will proceed in trying to define this specific group and its role in life.

            The Lubavitcher Rebbe Z"LB believed that friends have a tremendous influence on a person, so much so, that it’s supernatural and impossible to resist.  The Rambam says that it is the natural way of people to be influenced by their friends, so one should always be close to Chochamim.  The Chofetz Chaim taught that a friend’s influence is so powerful that there is a specific mitzvah in the Torah to associate with righteous individuals.  We are commanded "Ubo sidbak, you should stick to Him", for when one spends time with another, and as R’ Yonah and R’ Moshe Alshakar advise, he forgoes his own desires for those of his friend, he learns to adopt his friend’s goals and dreams, for he too comes to live with them.  

The Ramban tells us that one must acquire a friend in order to correct one’s actions in all areas of life.  This is the purpose of a friend.  Although this is no simple task, and it requires a lifetime to carry out, friends have the ability to influence the other to better himself.  The Talmud tells us that if you want to know who a man is, ask who his friend is.    R’ Shraga Silverstein, in his book a “Candle by Day,” says, “The expression ‘making friends’ should be taken quite literally.”  Through his influence, a friend has the power to mold his counterpart into what he is destined to become, be it for the good or for the bad. 

            For years we have learnt the verse, “love your friend as you love yourself,” and for years we have asked how it’s possible to have the same affection for another as one has for himself.  Rav Tzadok Hakohen explains this to mean that just as one who is struggling for spiritual perfection tries to eradicate the evil that formulates within him, so too he should want to eradicate the evil that formulates with his friend. 

“Any love that is dependant on something, once the thing is gone, so will the love be.”  The Atzei Yaar defines the word Davar, thing, as word, another one of its definitions.  He explains the phrase to mean that any love that is dependant on words, if there’s a lack of words, the love will be destroyed.  If there is a relationship in which admonishment cannot be given or taken by one of the friends then that relationship is not a stable one and the end result will be that it will fall apart.  If a person doesn’t love his friend as he loves himself in that he is comfortable to rebuke his friend in a loving manner when he sees him doing something wrong, it is not a value friendship; there’s not the same enduring unity as there is in a value relationship.  When Chava was created, she was termed as an Azer Kinegdo, a helper against him.”  Her job was to help him when he was good, and to be against him and rebuke him when he did something wrong.  

The Meiri Mishlei says that many spiritual aspirations that seem impossible for one to accomplish become much easier when striven for with a friend.  Yet, it is only great people who can acquire a friend, for true friends are really just one neshama that was split.  When the full neshama is working at accomplishing something, it is much easier than when only half is working at it.  Similarly, it is much easier for two people to lift a heavy load than it is for one individual to lift the same heavy load.  “Friendships are based on giving, and there can be no greater gift than the gift of eternity.”  The Baal Shem Tov taught that a soul may descend to this world and live 70 or 80 years with it sole purpose, being the doing of a material favor for another Jew, and certainly a spiritual one.  By helping a friend along spiritually, one is essentially helping the other attain eternity. 

            Although it is so important to help a friend, it is still equally, if not more important to stay focused on our own values.  R’ Shraga Silverstein says, “We must not become enemies with ourselves in order to make friends with others.”  A person shouldn’t lower himself to fulfill his friend’s wishes.  For example, if a friend asks you to do them a favor, and help them cheat, don’t stoop down to their level and “help them out.”  In reality you’re not helping them at all, although they may perceive it as such, and you’re only harming yourself.  Someone who asks you to lower yourself to their level cannot be considered a friend, because it’s only their interests they have in mind; they have no regard for yours. 

R’ Avrohom Grodzensky says that a good friend is not only something to find, but more importantly, something to become.  Being a good friend implies intrinsic growth within the person independent of the relationship.  If a person is able to care for another person as he cares for himself, in that he will correct his friend when he sees him doing something wrong, because he wants his friend to be able grow in the same way that he wants to grow himself, all the while, he will be gaining insight on what’s important, and thus he will be refining his character.  Additionally, Chazal teach us, “One who is bothered by the fault of his friend, is in actuality bothered by the same fault found within himself.”  A friend becomes a “mirror” to a person.  The fault he notices reflects the faults that he himself contains; thus he is brought to the realization of what he needs to perfect about himself.  R’ Menachem Mendel of Vitvask taught that every Jew has a specific aspect of goodness which no other person has.  Friendship brings two people with differing goodness together to share their qualities with each other, thereby uplifting and inspiring the other.  Thus, by being a good friend, or a true friend, who gives of himself and his character, he will at the same time be taking from his friend, thereby becoming a better person.

This category of friends, value friends, is the ultimate level of friendship.  The ideal would be if one was capable of loving all Jews in this manner, but man was created in such a way enabling him to only love few individuals to this capacity.  Therefore, says R’ Samson Rafael Hirsch that when Pirkei Avot instructs us “acquire a friend for yourself,” the verse finishes “and judge every person favorably.”  Because there are so few, one has to judge them all favorably.  The k”rvn instructs one to overlook the faults of his friends, thus preventing the two from getting into a fight.  The last phrase of the mishnah is the key to maintaining the relationship.

In Mishlei it says: “Tovim Hashnayim min haechad, Two are better than one...” the verse continues to explain by saying that  if one falls, the other will pick him up, but if one is alone when he falls, there will be no one to pick him up.  Chazal teach us that if one is not constantly moving on in life and accomplishing what he is supposed to be accomplishing, he is considered dead; if there is no one to help him along and show him the right path.