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The Chassidic master, the Ba'al Shem Tov, offers a parable: if a person walks into a dark room and turns on the light, then the darkness disappears. To anyone who walks into the room afterwards, it is as if it were never dark at all. Return, he says, is so powerful that it can transform a person in much the same way. Even a past filled with misdeeds can be turned to light.

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Fit for a King
by Rebbetzin Tzipporah Heller

God never gives up on us. He judges us on Rosh Hashana because He believes in our ability to transcend our blockages.

Once there was a king. The king had a servant to whom he entrusted a precious vessel. The vessel was somehow damaged. The servant's awe of the king was so great that he did not know what to do, where to turn. He found a wise man and sought his counsel. The wise man told him that he should not bring the shattered vessel before the king; it was not befitting. The servant decided it would be better to seek advice from one of the king's closest friends. The servant thought a person such as that would be more likely to have a deep knowledge of how the king would respond and would also know what course of action the king would take.

When he appeared before the king's trusted companion, he asked his advice and received the following reply: "I know the king's greatness and exaltation. A vessel such as this may not be placed before him. You must destroy the vessel completely."

The servant still did not know what to do and finally decided to go to an expert craftsman, hoping that perhaps he would be able to repair the broken vessel. He went to the craftsman, who told him that even if he succeeded in repairing it, it would still look damaged. Its appearance would remain marred; it would never be appropriate to take to the king.

The servant said to himself, I cannot act as though nothing has happened; I cannot absolve myself from responsibility. I will go before the king. Let him do to me as he sees fit.

The king said, "I will use the broken vessel. Those with whom you consulted responded as they did for the sake of my glory. I, however, choose to use the vessel as it is."

FEAR OF CONFRONTING ONE'S FAILURES

God unveils His presence to those who are able to see. The awesome splendor of nature, the intimacy of Divine Providence, are visible to anyone who has not blocked his vision.

When we seek to go beyond the blinders of ego, materialism, and escapism, we are still at times blocked. At times it's not what we don't see that causes our blindness; it's what we do see. When we let ourselves hear our deepest selves, the voices of inner wisdom of spiritual yearning, we are sometimes overwhelmed. We feel that "the vessel cannot be placed before the King." These feelings of spiritual inadequacy can be so overwhelming that we don't know what to do. We see our brokenness, and in sharp contrast we perceive the power and goodness of God. At moments of stark revelation, we tend to retreat. How can we possibly live with what we have become? The more honest we are, the less accessible teshuvah, repentance, feels.

Teshuvah, repentance, is a statement of God's very nature: His never-ending compassion.

The ultimate insult one person can give another is lowering one's expectations of him. The attitude "I would never expect any better from you" is not one of compassion. It is the most profound form of disdain. God does not give up on us. His exacting judgment, which we must face on Rosh Hashana, is real. We must not allow ourselves to be defeated by the dread this knowledge inspires.

God judges us, not because He wishes to punish us and see us get what we deserve, but because He believes in our ability to transcend our blockages. Even the most severe punishments ever meted out to humanity, such as Adam's expulsion from the Garden of Eden, were given to enable personal rebuilding of that which was broken in Adam and in the world.

Teshuvah is the key to our rebuilding ourselves. We must trust God's compassion and not be afraid to approach Him honestly. The month of Elul is the time of year when the spiritual nature of the season moves us toward Him and Him toward us.

SEEING OURSELVES AS WE ARE

Examining where our lives have taken us is the first step. The purpose of this is not to generate self-hatred or despair, but to seek correction and ways of moving beyond our present situations. We must be willing to look, not only at the specific actions that may be less than perfect, but at the character traits that motivated errors in moral judgment. When we content ourselves with superficial self-examination, our efforts are doomed.

I am a fairly unsuccessful gardener. The verdant plants I bring home from the nursery live very uneventful (and unusually short) lives. Part of the reason is that my own urban childhood brought me to maturity without the ability to look at two green shoots and know which one is a weed. When the shoots grow tall enough to make it clear (even to me) which is which, I tend to cut the weed rather than uproot it. The re-germination of aggressive and unwanted weeds is an eternal, unpleasant surprise.

Similarly, when searching for the "real" self, one must ask the basic question: why? Why do I do this? Why do I want this? Which basic trait is somehow contorted? Until these questions are honestly answered, the root of the weed is left untouched. There is still little awareness of which middah, character trait, needs to be corrected. The "plant," therefore, is very likely to flourish again. The same deed (or its very similar first cousin) is likely to be a prominent part of one's soul-searching next year.

WHAT TO DO WITH THE FLAWS

Character traits don't disappear. One of the most irrational decisions that can be made is the rejection of one's essential personality. Finding new and appropriate channels for the traits that are the least desirable is a challenge. Denying their existence, or attempting to eliminate them, is escaping the challenge that is part of one's very being, for finding a positive outlet for them often has the effect of uprooting the negative aspect of the trait.

To understand the mechanics of change, let us look for a moment at one of the most striking examples of self-change I have ever seen.

Irene's parents never wanted a child. Perhaps they wanted a trophy to show others, very much as they collect art and hang it on the walls of their exquisite home. Irene never felt wanted. This was not a matter of unrealistic expectations; it was a realistic acceptance of her status. When her parents' marriage dissolved, the custody battle revolved around who would be "stuck" with the child. She was raised from the age of eight by various hired women.

By the time Irene was an adult, her insecurity was a very strong component of her personality. We all know the forms insecurity takes. No friend was loyal enough, and therefore she constantly "tested" them until they almost always failed to meet her expectations. No situation was stable enough, and she moved from lifestyle to lifestyle.

I, too, was a member of the society of failed friends. I liked her and admired her enormously; she is a woman of rare brilliance and refinement. However, I was unable to give her the kind of unconditional support she needed and therefore demanded.

We drifted apart. I heard of her occasionally. She is an artist, and her works are displayed periodically in various galleries. One Elul, I wrote her a letter in which I asked forgiveness for having allowed our friendship to disintegrate.

As God would have it, I met her on the bus the very day I put the letter in my purse. As I handed her the letter, I did not know what her response would be. Would she trust my sincerity or would she see this as a sort of cushion upon which I could lean to alleviate any guilt I might be feeling before the High Holidays arrive? She smiled at me warmly, gave me her address and phone number, and invited me to her home.

In the course of my visit to her somewhat isolated house on a remote Israeli settlement, I found myself feeling as though the body of the person to whom I was speaking was Irene, but the person inside the body must be someone entirely different. The warmth, security, and genuine interest she showed in me and my life were completely out of character.

As the sun began to set over the desert, I felt comfortable enough to ask her how she had accomplished such a major achievement. She knew exactly what I meant. She had decided to uproot the negative side of her insecurity completely. In order to do this, she wrote a brief account of everything good she experienced every day. She opened her closet and showed me a collection of tens of school notebooks. Each one was full, and each one was a statement of its owner's longing to free herself from the limitations that enveloped her. This changed her view of the Creator and His world.

Simultaneously, she decided to use her insight to zero in on other people's fears and insecurities and make herself a friend to many people who would never approach someone less sensitive to their fears. I felt that I was in the presence of one of the authentic heroines of our generation.

MITZVAHS: THEIR PLACE IN THE CURE

The Maharal speaks about the difference between positive commandments, in which the Torah tells us how to direct our energies, and negative commandments, various actions the Torah tells us to refrain from in order not to diminish ourselves. Both are necessary for us to retain the integrity of our characters. Therefore, when one notices that a certain trait is the root of behavior that is self?destructive, reestablishing a commitment to the commandments that are most difficult is a first step. When performed with the consciousness that what is at stake is not just a specific mitzvah, but also a redefinition of how one's traits can be used, there is a world of difference.

We must use every day that is left to see ourselves as we are. We must see our histories, our choices, our potential, our habits and hereditary tendencies. We must not be afraid to see the flaws; rather, we must take our broken vessels to the King and let ourselves be healed.

From "This Way Up: Torah Essays on Spiritual Growth" by Rebbetzin Tzipporah Heller, Feldheim publications.

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Teshuva: Dry Cleaning for the Soul
by Rabbi Shraga Simmons

Done something wrong? We all have. Here's how to fix it. Once and for all.

Many people misunderstand the concept of sin. They think someone who sins is a "bad person."

Actually, the Hebrew word chet does not mean sin at all. Chet appears in the Bible in reference to a slingshot which "missed the target." There is nothing inherently "bad" about that slingshot! Rather, a mistake was made -- due to a lack of focus, concentration or skill.

The same is true with us. When we engage in irresponsible or destructive behavior, we have simply misfired. Every human being has a soul, a pure piece of Godliness that distinguishes us from the animals. When we do something wrong, it is because the soul's "voice" has become temporarily muted by the roar of the physical body. This confusion is what we call the "Yetzer Hara." But our essence remains pure. We only need to make a few adjustments -- and we're back on target!

This is the idea of teshuva. Teshuva literally means "return." When we "do teshuva," we examine our ways, identify those areas where we are losing ground, and "return" to our own previous state of spiritual purity. And in the process, we "return" to our connection with the Almighty as well.

                              The process of teshuva involves the following four steps:

Step 1 - Regret. Realize the extent of the damage and feel sincere regret.

Step 2 - Cessation. Immediately stop the harmful action.

Step 3 - Confession. Articulate the mistake and ask for forgiveness.

Step 4 - Resolution. Make a firm commitment not to repeat it in the future.

Now let's examine each of these steps in-depth.

Sometimes, we try to justify our actions, using a variety of excuses: "Everyone else is doing it". At least I'm not like some people who go around killing and stealing!","Who are YOU to say it's wrong?!"

Regret is not really possible unless we can clearly distinguish between right and wrong. Otherwise, we will just rationalize and delude ourselves into thinking we've done nothing wrong. The ever-changing, sliding standards of society contribute to this lack of clarity.

For example, imagine growing up in a house where gossip was constantly spoken. Unless you're introduced to the Jewish idea of Loshon Hara ("negative speech") and made aware of its destructive nature, you may otherwise never consider gossip to be wrong! (For this reason, it is important to be familiar with halacha, Jewish law, and to have a rabbi who knows you personally and can advise you.

How should we feel upon recognizing a mistake? Should we feel guilty, worthless and bad? No! "Guilt" is the negative emotion saying that "I am bad." Whereas "regret" is the positive acknowledgement that while my essence remains pure, I have failed to live up to my potential.

Feeling regret is a positive sign that we're back in touch with our Godly essence. Our conscience will not let us relax until we've corrected the mistake. Would an evil person feel regret over a transgression?

This first step of teshuva is indeed the most crucial -- because unless a person feels regret, he will most likely continue in his errant ways.

The Talmud says:

A person who made a mistake and admits it, but does not renounce doing it again, is compared to going into the mikveh holding a dead reptile in his hand. For although he may immerse himself in all the waters of the world, his immersion is useless. However, if he throws [the reptile] out of his hand, then upon immersing in 40 se'ahs of water (the minimum size of a mikveh), his immersion immediately becomes effective. (Ta'anit 16a)

Can you imagine trying to ask forgiveness from someone while you continue to wrong him at the same time? Without stopping the bad action, all the heart-pounding in the whole world won't help.

In admitting our mistake, Jewish law prescribes that it be articulated verbally. ArtScroll's Yom Kippur Machzor gives a beautiful explanation of why this is so crucial to the teshuva process:

As an intelligent, thinking, imaginative being, man has all sorts of thoughts flashing constantly through his mind. Even sublime thoughts of remorse and self-improvement are not strange to him, but they do not last. For his thoughts to have lasting meaning, he must distill them into words, because the process of thought culminates when ideas are expressed and clarified.

That is not as easy as it sounds. It is usually excruciatingly difficult for people to admit explicitly that they have done wrong. We excuse ourselves. We refuse to admit the truth. We shift blame. We deny the obvious. We excel at rationalizing. But the person who wrenches from himself the unpleasant truth, "I have sinned," has performed a great and meaningful act.

The Torah requires us to be humble and contrite as we ask forgiveness. This is crucial in enabling the "victim" to heal. Has someone ever apologized to you and you knew it was not sincere? Just grunting the words "I'm sorry" is not enough.

Even secular courts are now adopting this principle; some judges are requiring that criminals demonstrate sincere regret and formally apologize to their victims before the court will consider shortening the sentence.

On Yom Kippur, we say two prayers ("Asham'nu" and "Al Chet") which contain an extensive list of mistakes. As a matter of fact, as you go through these lists, you'll see the mention of mistakes covering every conceivable aspect of life! This begs the question: By saying these prayers, are we in effect making a commitment to never sin ever again? Is this realistic?

Imagine a new child taking his first steps in front of the proud parents. He gets to his feet, takes a few steps -- and falls flat on his face. The parents clap with excitement and joy. But if you analyze the scenario, shouldn't the parents be upset? After all, the child fell down!

The answer is obvious. A parent doesn't judge a child based on whether he walks or falls, but rather on whether he took a few steps in the right direction.

So, too, with the Almighty. We are not in competition with anyone but ourselves. What concerns Him is whether we're making a sincere effort to move in the right direction. God doesn't ask you to change in an area that is not yet feasible for you to change. We are commanded to be human beings, not angels. This means making a serious commitment to change --- and taking the right steps at the right time.

An individual doesn't need to have all the answers right now. The key is the commitment to change. Be aware of situations in which you're likely to stumble, and keep a safe distance from them. The Torah tells us: Strengthen your resolve in a certain area and God will ensure your success. Nothing that can stand in the way of persistence and determination. As the Talmud (Makkot 10b) says, "In the way that a person wants to go, he will be led."

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Zachreynu Lechaim
by Rabbi Epstein 

The first insertion that we make in our shmonah esreh during the ten days of Teshuva is “Zachreynu Lechaim- Remember us for life”. The short prayer translates as follows- “Remember us for life oh King who desires life.  Write us in the book of life, for your sake G-d”.

At first glance the prayer appears quite repetitive.  Is there a difference between remembering us for life and writing us in the book of life?  Secondly, what does it mean that we should be inscribed for G-d’s sake?  I thought our inscription was based on our merits from the previous year in conjunction with our aspirations for the year to come!

Rav Yaakov Emden explains in his Siddur- Bait Yaakov that there is most certainly a difference between being remembered for life and being inscribed in the book of life.  When we ask G-d to remember us for life we are requesting that he find favor with our accomplishments and efforts of the previous year.  However, when we ask him to inscribe us into His book we depend on His divine mercy to aid us.

It is human and normal to desire to earn one’s own keep and stand on one’s own two feet.  That is why we first ask “Remember us for life”.  If for whatever reason we fall short with our personal merits, we cry out for life however we can acquire it.

We now understand that the prayer is not repetitive; but we still need to examine “being inscribed for G-d’s sake”.  The Anaf Yosef offers a beautiful interpretation of this section of the prayer.  He explains that we are not asking G-d to bless us with life “for His sake”- (that would be brazen). We are rather beseeching G-d to grant us life so that we can live life in the way He has intended us to.  We cry out that we will live a more moral, just, and      G-dly existence.  We want a life that will be “Lemaancha Elokim Chaim”.

In the merit of our sincere prayers together with Teshuva and Tzedaka may we all merit to be sealed in the book of life.

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Asking God for Forgiveness
by Rebbetzin Tzipporah Heller

Skip the paralyzing guilt. The classical confession, repeated five times during the prayer service, helps us do the inner work to maximize the power of the day.

There once was a drought in the land of Israel. The sages pleaded with God for mercy, but their prayers went unanswered in spite of their sincerity. Finally, Rabbi Akiva prayed, addressing God as Avinu Malkenu, our Father, our King. It was then that rain began to fall, nourishing the parched earth. Rabbi Akiva's words opened the hearts and souls of not only that generation but also many future ones. We learned to see God not only as a monarch, but also as a loving parent.

One of the most distinct characteristics of a parent/child relationship is its unconditionality. Parents and children may feel alienated, but they can never cease to be linked. On Yom Kippur the opportunity to re-experience God's love for us is greater than it is at any other time. What that means is that God makes it possible to break down the most resilient barrier that we can erect separating us from our Father -- the barrier of sin.

The word "sin" has a terrible reputation. It is associated with paralyzing guilt that reduces our souls to dust. In fact, there are three words in Hebrew that describe "sin" which is really a failure of honest self-expression: One is chet, which literally means missing the mark. The second is avon, which means desire. The third is pesha, which means rebellion.

When we take responsibility for our actions and for the direction that our lives have taken, (even when our decisions were colored by other people or external factors), we can begin to move forward. As long as we deny where we stand today, we will find that we are still there tomorrow.

There is one major obstacle to self-change. The past cannot be re-lived. The patterns that we have allowed ourselves to develop are extremely difficult to break.

How many times do we find ourselves trapped by the insidious, invisible automatic pilot. What frees us from the burden of self-imposed rigidity is God Himself. He is willing to reverse the laws of cause and effect in order to liberate us from ourselves. The one condition that is required is that we take responsibility for our choices, and regret the damage that we have done.

The classical confession is the means that we use to do this. It is said five times on Yom Kippur during each of the silent standing prayers, the "Amidah". Rather than ending our silent devotion by beseeching God to grant us peace, we add the confession before concluding. By studying this confession, we can do the inner work to maximize the power of the day. Let us look at it carefully.

ASHAMNU: We have become desolate. We commit ourselves to recognizing that our failures are self-destructive.

BAGADNU: We have betrayed our potential, our families, God Himself.

We can question who we have been in our multifaceted role as a human being and as a Jew? Who have we betrayed? Is it not ultimately ourselves as well as others?

GAZALNU: We have stolen.

This includes not only financial theft, but theft of time, and misleading others into thinking that we are more accomplished than we actually are. This sin is especially damaging in that it reflects the fact that we have rejected the role in life that God has given us.

DEBARNU DOFI: We have spoken with "two mouths" -- we have been hypocritical.

We can confront our fear of rejection, and the dishonesty that we use to "cover ourselves." Who are we afraid of? Why? Should we not be more willing to tackle the reality that confronts us?

HEYVINU: We have made things crooked.

This includes all forms of dishonest rationalizations. Our hunger for decency sometimes is satiable through false justifications. We must remember that even a murderer invariably justifies himself at the time he commits the crime. We must rise above the false self-pity that at times lets us slip into situational ethics.

VIHIRSHANU: And we have made others wicked.

We have forced others into destructive responses. An example of this is a parent who slaps the face of an older child, almost forcing him into loss of verbal (and possibly even physical) self-control.

ZADNU: We have sinned intentionally.

The classical example is lying, in which case there is always full awareness of the factuality of the sin. How could we learn to bring God back into our consciousness when we are blinded by stress and fear?

CHAMASNU: We have been violent.

This includes all forms of taking the law in one's own hands. Almost everyone has fallen into the trap of letting the ends justify the means.

TAFALNU SHEKER: We have become desensitized to dishonesty.

Dishonesty feels "normal" to us. When we live in a time and place where lying is "normal," we can endeavor to envision our spiritual heroes in our shoes.

YATZNU RA: We have given bad advice.

This often is the result of being ashamed to admit ignorance. One of the most beautiful aspects of taking counsel from the Torah sages is their refreshing ability to use the words "I don't know." Committing ourselves to re-introduce this phrase can be life-changing.

KIZAVNU: We have disappointed God, ourselves and others by not living up to our promises.

We tell people that we can be counted upon, when we really mean that we can be counted upon if things work out. When they don't, it is important to ask one's self: Why is it that in situations where integrity and convenience can't coexist, it is always integrity that must be sacrificed?

LATZNU: We have been contemptuous.

We have diminished the importance of people and values that deserve respect. We all know at least one person who makes himself/herself "big" by devaluing others. If that person is ourselves, then we must question the direction that our need for self-esteem takes us.

MARADNU: We have rebelled.

We, in our bottomless insecurity, have found ourselves negatively proving ourselves endlessly both to God and to our fellow man. How many times this year could our lives been spiritually improved, if we didn't have to "teach" anyone a lesson?

NIATZNU: We have enraged people.

We have purposely pushed other people's buttons. We have caused God's anger to be awakened by our self-destructive behavior. We've let our desire for human connection lead us to destructive interactions.

SARARNU: We have turned aside. We have confronted truth and looked the other way. We have chosen ease over morality.

AVINU: We fallen victim to our impulses.

Would our lives be improved if we learned to not only ask ourselves the question "what" but the question "when"? The desire for instant gratification has financial, physical and emotional implications.

PESHANU: We have broken standards of behavior that we know to be right and then justified this because of our egotism.

Have we not found ourselves justifying bad decisions with lie after lie? Have we not moved forward because to do so would mean tacitly admitting that our present level is not "perfect" enough to gratify our bottomless egos?

TZARARNU: We afflicted others.

Even in situations where harsh words are demanded, whenever we go beyond what is called for, we are accountable for the pain suffered by every unnecessary word. While we may be just letting off steam, our victims may believe every word that we say. The result can be a tragic diminishment of their self-esteem.

KISHINU OREF: We have been stiff-necked.

We have been stubborn and unwilling to redefine ourselves. No matter how wrong we are, we insist that we are right.

RISHANU: We have been wicked.

This includes all forms of physical aggression or financial injustice (such as refusal to repay a loan). When Moses saw his fellow Jew striking another Jew, he called him "rasha." He never used this phrase in any other context.

SHICHATNU: We have been immoral.

This includes all forms of dehumanizing "hunting" members of the opposite sex, or the equally dehumanizing choice of becoming "prey." Do we question why we select a specific image to be the one that we use to let the world know who we are?

TAINU: We have erred.

This, of course, is not a reference to sins that we have done because we weren't aware of better options. This refers to the choice to remain ignorant out of fear or laziness that inevitably leads to making further mistakes. This is a good time to make a solid, defined resolution to learn more. Let it replace the vague realization that time is slipping by.

TIATANU: We have misled others.

We have spread our ignorant assumptions and thereby victimized others.

The purpose of studying this list is not to wallow in guilt. It is to bring us to the point where we can honestly come before God and say, "This is who I was. Help me be who I want to be. Help me find my truest self."

His help is guaranteed. He is our Father, not only our King.

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Why is it that we SING the Ashamnu, Bagadnu (confessional) prayer? It almost seems disrespectful o sing to Hashem about all of our sins! The truth is, that if we do Teshuva before Yom KIppur for our sins, then we can truly sing about them! Instead of remianing sins, they become Mitzvot (if we did Teshuva out of love for Hashem Yisbarach). That's something to sing about!

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