Repentance, or Teshuva, involves three steps (in any order):
(1) Regretting one's actions
(2) Confessing the misdeed privately to G-d
(3) Committing to not repeat the error in the
future
In addition, any sin one person commits against another also requires
rectification:
(4) make amends or repay the damages
(5) ask for forgiveness
If someone spoke Lashon Hara, all five of the steps are required. The
first three are the same as in all repentance - sincere regret, confessional
prayer, and the resolve plus strategies to avoid speaking
it in the future.
To make amends, the speaker must go back to all those who heard his Lashon Hara
and explain to them that what he said was incorrect. He must also
apologize to the subject of the Lashon Hara and ask for forgiveness. If,
however, the speaker is certain that the Lashon Hara was never accepted, he is
only required to complete steps 1-3.
Note: if, as part of asking forgiveness, telling the subject about the Lashon
Hara would cause the subject more anguish (either because he is hearing it for
the first time or it renews his distress over the matter), the speaker is
forbidden to mention it. Instead he should tell the subject that he sinned
against him without specifying how, and ask his forgiveness.
Bite your tongue
before you gossip; your tongue will hurt, but your friends won't.
Stop yourself from
gossiping by changing the subject mid-sentence; only you will notice.
Never say derogatory
things about yourself; people might agree with you.
Never use humor to
put others down; joking around usually comes around.
Speak sweetly, so if
you have to eat your words, they won't taste so bad.
The gossip game
always takes turns; the only way to avoid being "it" is to stop
playing.
Trust makes a
friendship; gossip takes it away.
You are the proud
owner of a set of ears; use them at your own discretion.
To get friends who
won't gossip about you, you must be a friend who won't gossip about them.
Stamp
out gossip by voting with your feet; just walk away if someone gossips.
The
Torah states, "And (the one afflicted with tzora'as) shall
call out: 'Unclean, Unclean'" (Leviticus 13:45). The afflicted person,
as he moves about, calls this out about himself as a warning to others.
The Sheloh HaKodesh, a
revered commentary, writes that one can also read the verse in another manner.
It could be that the afflicted person is calling out ABOUT other people,
"Unclean! Unclean!" That is a person who finds fault with others is
really projecting his own faults and imperfections onto others. As the Sages say
in the Talmud (tractate of Kiddushin, page 70a), "Those who try to
invalidate others do so with their own blemishes."
One
means of finding out your own faults is to see what faults you tend to notice in
others. When one points a finger at someone, three fingers point back at
himself!
Most
of us control something in our lives, whether it be the food that we eat, or the
TV and movies that we watch, or even the music that we listen to. In these
areas, we are extremely stringent and refuse to compromise them. But one area
that many of us may be lax in is shemiras haloshon. That's what the mishmeret
hours are; you choose the hours that you will not speak loshon hora and keep in
mind for that hour that you are not speaking loshon hora and B'Zchut Cholim that
you know of will have refuah. By practicing restraint during that hour or to
that you don't speak loshon hora you are giving yourself an exercise in how to
help guard your tongue from evil talk. TIZKU LMITZVOT!!!!
(1) The speaker must have witnessed the incident himself, rather than knowing
about it from rumor. (If he has only heard about the incident, then he
must verify its authenticity firsthand.)
(2) The speaker should reflect thoroughly, not hastily concluding something is
theft or damage or any other offense, that the action in question is truly a
violation according to halacha.
(3) The speaker should first approach the transgressor privately, and rebuke him
with gentle language (such that the transgressor would be inclined to listen),
because perhaps this can have an impact and inspire
the person to improve his ways. If the transgressor does not listen, then
the speaker should alert the public of the individual's guilt. (In a case where
the speaker knows in advance that the transgressor won't listen to rebuke, we
will discuss it IY"H in paragraph 7.)
(4) The description of the sin should not be exaggerated [for "effect"
or any other reason].
(5) The speaker must have pure intentions ("to'elet," lit.
"purpose"). As we will discuss later in paragraph 4, the speaker
should not - Heaven forbid - enjoy his friend's (the transgressor's) disgrace,
nor act out of a previous hatred he felt for the person.
(6) If the purpose of speaking the Lashon Hara (e.g. causing the sinner to
repent, warning the community to stay away from such activity) can be achieved
in another way rather than speaking Lashon Hara, it is forbidden to speak Lashon
Hara.
(7) By speaking Lashon Hara, the transgressor should not be caused more damage
than would be appropriate as determined by a court of Jewish law reviewing the
case. This is discussed in detail in Hilchot Rechilut chapter nine.
[An example would be if a thief would be obligated to repay the victim $100, but
Lashon Hara caused him damages of $500.]
***********************
The
heilige Chasam Sofer zt"l asks, "We do not understand why Miriam had
to be niftar in the midbar and was not zoche to enter Eretz Yisroel."
He replies, "We can say that Miriam was niftar because of the loshon hora
which she spoke to Aharon about her brother Moshe Rabeinu. After Miriam
was niftar, there was no longer a be'er (be'erah shel Miriam). For water,
Moshe Rabeinu had to hit the stone and as a result, Moshe and Aharon were niftar
in the midbar, too. We can learn from this how terrible loshon hora is.
Because of the loshon hora which Miriam spoke, Moshe Rabeinu, Aharon Hakohen and
Miriam were all niftar in the midbar. Based upon this, we can say that
when Chazal tell us that loshon hora kills three people, that is a remez to
Moshe, Aharon and Miriam.
"Mee ha'ish he'chofetz chaim ohev yamim l'ros tov... n'tzor l'shoncha
mei'ra". The roshei teivos of "N'tzor L'shoncha Mei'ra" is
b'gematria one hundred and twenty. This is meramez that if one is careful
not to speak loshon hora he will be zoche to live a full hundred and twenty
years, gezunterheit!
***********************
poems
Be
careful what you say
What
are you saying; are your words good or bad,
Positive or negative, happy or sad?
The words of your mouth lead to failure or success.
Do you ever wonder how you got into that mess?
You are in charge of the words that you speak.
Will you be strong, or will you be weak?
Do you speak words of sickness, or words of health?
Do you speak of poverty, or are your words of wealth?
What you say each day is what comes to pass in your life.
Are your days full of peace, or are they full of strife?
Your life will reflect the words that you say.
Speak positive, uplifting words and life will manifest that way.
Speak negative, depressing, 'Oh, poor me' kind of things...
Then the road to failure is what these words will bring.
Gossip is one of the world's most destructive habits, and
we're exposed to it practically everywhere we go - work,
recreation, sports, home, in magazines, on television, etc. There is absolutely
nothing beneficial about gossip - it hurts EVERYONE involved.
There's a term for it in Hebrew; it's called "Loshon Hora" (Loshon =
Tongue, Hora = evil). Loshon hora, or gossip, is the same whether speaking it or
listening to it. What's more, it's still Loshon Hora even if what we say about a
person is true! And, despite the instant gratification it may bring (isn't it
fun?), it will not make the person we are sharing this with, trust us any
deeper.
They will subconsciously be thinking, "Hmm, I wonder what he/she says about
me when I'm not there." It certainly will not help in the WINNING WITHOUT
INTMIDATION process. So, let's try something different.
The name of our new game is, "The Reverse Gossip Game." In this game,
instead of telling people the gossip people say about them or others, let's
repeat only the good that people say (even if we have to "suggest"
that good), and find reasons to judge others favorably in all other situations.
Let's say John speaks negatively about Mary. For example.
John: Mary is really lazy.
You: I've never noticed that. She is talented, wouldn't you
agree?
John (Grudgingly): Yes, I guess so.
Later you see Mary at the coffee machine and the
conversation goes as follows:
You: I was talking with John earlier. He was saying you are very talented (after
all, he did agree to that, didn't he?).
Mary: Wow! I didn't know he thought that of me. I've always
felt he was very judgmental and snobby.
You: Hmm, never picked up on that. Really hard worker, isn't he?
Mary: Well, I guess you have to give him credit
for that.
The next day you and John are talking and you happen to
mention:
You: Mary was talking about how hard a worker you are.
John: Really? Didn't think she liked me, but maybe she's not so bad after all.
Now, the next time John and Mary cross paths they both see each other in an
entirely different light, with a completely different attitude and set of
expectations - one of peace, enjoyment, and kindness. And it all happened
because of you. You don't feel as though you've manipulated them, do you? There
are people who might feel that way.
Interesting, isn't it? It's perfectly acceptable to repeat
the bad and cause trouble, but to help along (positively
persuade) the good and create peace between people may be looked at in a
negative way. I don't think so. Creating peace is never a negative concept. And
if anyone tells you it is... please don't believe them. Instead, find something
good about them. Then tell someone else.
- Bob Burg (
http://www.burg.com ) speaks on "Endless
Referrals" and "Positive Persuasion." He is author of
"Endless Referrals: Network Your Everyday Contacts Into
Sales" and "Winning Without Intimidation: The Art of
Positive Persuasion."
***********************
The
Gossiper
A woman repeated a bit of gossip about a neighbor. Within a few days the whole
community knew the story. The person it concerned was deeply hurt and offended.
Later the woman responsible for spreading the rumor learned that it was
completely untrue. She was very sorry and went to a wise old sage to find out
what she could do to repair the damage.
"Go to the marketplace," he said, "and purchase a chicken, and
have it killed. Then on your way home, pluck its feathers and drop them one by
one along the road." Although surprised by this advice, the woman did what
she was told.
The next day the wise man said, "Now go and collect all those feathers you
dropped yesterday and bring them back to me."
The woman followed the same road, but to her dismay, the wind had blown the
feathers all away. After searching for hours, she returned with only three in
her hand. "You see," said the old sage, "it's easy to drop them,
but it's impossible to get them back. So it is with gossip. It doesn't take much
to spread a rumor, but once you do, you can never completely undo the
wrong."
Author Unknown
"Chicken Soup
for the Teenage Soul" Editor: Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen and
Kimberly Kirberger
When we learn in sifrei kodesh {holy books} that reward will be taken or given
to us if we do or don't do certain acts, it's not simple to explain that Hashem
takes away our merit for acts that we've done or that He gives us merit for acts
that we haven't done. How could that be fair judgment?! Rather, in terms of
Lashon Hara, when we speak L"H we dull our spiritual senses and are less
inclined to perform mitzvot (How do you feel when you perform an aveirah {sin}?
Like you are a member of the Am HaNivchar {Chosen People} and you want to rush
out and serve God?! Of course not! You feel as if you have pushed yourself away
from Hashem and that He wouldn't want you to serve Him! [Which is not true, but
that's still how we feel.]). Furthermore, since Judaism sensitizes a person to
life and to the emotions of others, if one speaks L"H, one becomes less
sensitive and therefore one's ability to care and relate to others, specifically
through mitzvot, is diminished.
***********************
From
the Heart...
=================
Last week we discussed Loshan Hora,
tale-bearing, slander and gossip. This weeks Parsha speaks about how we
should approach another person if we feel the need to point out some aspect of
their behavior that is bothering us or may seem unacceptable.
The Baal Shem Tov tells us that another person is like a mirror
- if we find ourselves noticing faults in others, it is because they exist
within ourselves. It is not such a foreign concept - it is common in
psychological terms to speak of one person 'projecting' their own faults onto
another. It is incumbent upon us to realize that when we see a fault in
somebody else, it is only because we need to work on ourselves.
This fits well with the time-period we are in, Sefiras Haomer. During this
traditional period of semi-mourning, we commemorate the loss of Rabbi
Akiva's 24,000 disciples. The Torah tells us that each of them was so sure
that he was right, and so determined to share this wonderful news with his
fellow, that he lost sight of his fellow's needs and wishes.
It is said that "Words that come from the heart, enter the heart."
If the other person is not receptive to my message, this is a clear indication
that my words are not coming from 'the right place' - the blame falls upon me,
rather than upon them. If I still need to point something out to somebody,
it must be done in a manner of sincere and genuine kindness and concern for
them, not for myself.
Our tradition is replete with anecdotes regarding the importance of guarding
one's speech. The story is told of the group of travelers
who found themselves guests in a stranger's house, in a strange city, their
host being kind enough to feed them and provide shelter. The guests,
scrupulous in their observance of the kosher laws, asked question after question
regarding the exact details of the food and its preparation. One of those
present in the house asked them, "Tell me - are you as careful about what
comes out of your mouth as you are as what goes into it?"
The tongue has no bones. This allows it to move in any direction.
We have to be careful that it should only move in the right direction!
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***********************
Parshas
Tazria
By Rabbi Zev Leef
Life and Death in the Hands of the Tongue
Remember what Hashem, your God, did to Miriam on the way
when you left Egypt (Devarim 24:9) Almost all of Tazria and most of Metzora
are concerned with the intricate laws of tzora'as. Tzora'as afflicted
people as a consequence of having spoken lashon hara. This is hinted to
in Ki Seitzei, where the Torah warns us to be careful with respect to the laws
of tzora'as and immediately thereafter to remember Miriam's punishment in the
desert for speaking lashon hara about her brother Moshe. Miriam was
immediately afflicted with tzora'as and forced to leave the encampment for
seven days. It seems paradoxical that the Torah chose to admonish us not to
speak about the faults and shortcomings of others by reminding us of Miriam's
sin.
During the entire time Miriam was afflicted, the nation
did not travel. The whole nation waited for her as a consequence of the
merit she accrued by waiting to see what would happen to her three-month old
brother Moshe when she placed him into the Nile in a basket (Sotah 9b).
Again we wonder: What benefit was it to Miriam to have the entire Jewish
people delayed for her sake. Did that waiting not highlight the cause of
her banishment? Would it not have been better for Miriam for the nation
to proceed, unaware of her sin?
The answer is that Miriam did not sin. Her
intentions in speaking about Moshe were completely well-intentioned, without
any malice. She meant no harm to her beloved brother; nor did she cause
Moshe any harm, or even ill-feeling. Despite this she was stricken with
tzora'as. Her disease was not a punishment but rather the inevitable,
natural result of lashon hara. Because she had not sinned, Moshe did not
pray for forgiveness for Miriam - only that she be healed.
The command to remember Miriam does not denigrate her,
for she committed no intentional sin. But we do learn from that act of
rememberance the devastating effect of lashon hara, even when spoken
unintentionally and without malice. Just as it makes no difference if
one swallows poison intentionally or unintentionally, so, too, lashon hara
devastates us, even when spoken without deliberate malice.
To highlight the intrinsic devastation wrought by lashon
hara, it had to be crystal clear that Miriam did not sin and that her
intentions were in fact pure. Miriam exhibited her love for Moshe when
she waited anxiously to see what would happen to him. The waiting of the
nation for her was a reminder of her earlier waiting and, at the same time,
the proof that she had acted without malice towards Moshe. As Rambam in
Hilchos Tumas Tzira'as (16:10) writes:
...Concerning this the Torah warns us to be careful with
tzora'as and to remember what Hashem did to Miriam, as if to say:
"Contemplate what happened to Miriam the Prophetess when she spoke
against her brother' who was younger than her, whom she brought up on her lap
and for whom she endangered herself when she saved him from the sea and whom
she had no intention to harm. She erred only in comparing him to the
other prophets and [Moshe] did not care about what she said because [he] was a
very humble person and still was immediatelhy punished with tzora's...There
were two distinct aspects of the Mikdash which atoned for lashon hara.
The Gemara (Zevachim 88b) relates that both the ketores (incense) and the
me'il ( the garment of the Kohen Gadol from which bells and pomegranate-like
ornaments hung) atoned for lashon hara.
The Gemara explains that the me'il atoned for the lashon
hara spoken publicly and the ketores for the lashon hara betzina (literally
hidden lashon hara). The latter is difficult to understand, however,
since we learn of the ketores' ability to atone for the lashon hara from its
use to stop the plague that broke out when the people blamed Moshe and Aharon
for the deaths of Korach and his entourage. That lashon hara was public.
Perhaps, then, the Gemara is referring to two aspects of
the damage caused by lashon hara. According to this understanding,
public lashon hara refers to the harm done to the person that it was spoken
against. Hidden lashon hara refers to the spiritual damage to the
speaker of the lashon hora himself, the destruction of his neshama.
What, then, is that spiritual destruction, which is
physically manifested by tzora'as? It is the power of speech that
distinguishes man from all other creatures. The faculty of speech
enables man to fulfill his purpose in the universe. Through speech man
attaches himself to his Creator by learning and teaching Torah; through speech
man addresses his Creator in prayer; through speech man crystallizes his
thoughts, which in turn leads to action, as it says (Devarim 30:14), "for
this mitzvah is close to you in your mouth and heart to do it;" and
finally, it is speech that enables man to communicate with thers to unite in
the communal service of the almighty.
When man uses his unique power of speech to unite the
world in service of Hashem, he realizes his potential as the pinnacle of
Creation. The Hebrew word for tongue, lashon, is related to lash, the
process of mixing solids and liquids together. The tongue cakes the
spiritual inner essence of the soul and expresses it in the physical realm -
thereby mixing spiritual and physical together.
Utilizing the tongue for lashon hara, to degrade, to
defile, to cause strife and dissension, divests man of the very essence of his
distinction as a human being by corrupting his most exalted faculty. The
Yerushalmi says that there are three sins for which man is punished in this
world and in the next - immorality, murder and idolatry - and lashon hara is
equal to all three. These three sins represent the destrution of man's
physical, emotional and spiritual self. Lashon hara equals them all.
For the totality of the human being is destroyed by the corruption of his
ultimate distinction, his speech, Thus, one afflicted with lashon hara defiles
like a corpse. He is banished from society and mourns himself, for the
essence of his being has been negated.
AT the conclusion of Shemonah Esrei we beseech Hashem,
"My God, guard my tongue from evil and my lips from speaking
deceitfully." After we have used our mouths for communicating with
our creator, we can fully appreciate the calamity inherent in corrupting that
same wondrous instrument by using it for lashon hara.
The laws of childbirth precede the laws of tzora'as.
Man has the ability to be a partner in creation, to create a new being, or he
can take his own body and divest it of tis Divine essence by speaking lashon
hara. Both extremes are presenged. The choice is ours. That
is the literal intent of the words of Chazal that life and death are in the
hands of tha tongue.
************************
Parshas
Metzora
Selfishness and Narrow Vision
When you arrive in the land of Canaan that I give you as a possession, and I
will place a tzora'as affliction upon a house in the land of your possession (Vayikra
14:34) The last of the various forms of tzora'as is that affecting homes.
That form of tzorz'as was unknown until Bnei Yisrael entered Eretz Yisrael.
According to Chazal, the previous inhabitants hid their valuables in the walls
of their homes to prevent them from falling into the hands of the conquering
Jewish army. When the walls of these houses were subsequently struck
with tzora'as, necessitating the removal of parts of its walls and, in some
cases, the destruction of the entire house, these hidden treasures were
discovered by the new House owners. This is extremely puzzling. We are
also told that tzora'as in the walls of homes was a punishment for
selfishness. Why should those who displayed the extremely negative
characteristic of selfishness have been rewarded with the discovery of hidden
treasures?
The Torah tells us that before the Kohen comes to
inspect the suspected discoloration to determine whether there is in fact
tzota'as, all the contents of the house are to be removed (Vayikra 14:35).
That way they do not become impure if the house is declared to have tzora'as.
The Midrash, however, adds another reason for removing all the vessels: it is
a corrective for the selfishness which causes tzora'as in the first place.
Selfish people often pretend that they have less than they do to avoid lending
others their possessions or giving tzedakah. Having to remove all his
possessions in public causes him acute embarrassment and helps to atone for
and correct his selfishness.
The Mishnah in Nega'im (12:5), however, gives a totally
different explanation of the removal of the contents from the house: Divine
concern tor the property of a Jew. Only relatively inexpensive
earthenware vessels can be easily purified by immersion in a mikveh.
Nevertheless, Hashem is concerned with even this small loss, and allows the
removal of all vessels before the house is declared impure.
One might have thought thet if the intention was to cure
selfishness, a lesson on the unimportance of material possessions would be
more fitting, and not one which conveys the value of every penny.
The truth is, however, that selfishness - literally
tzorus ayin, a narrow eye - is the result of not appreciating the true value
of material possesions and viewing them from a very narrow perspective.
We are taught that tzaddikim value their material possessions even more than
their lives. Thus Yaakov put his life in danger to retrieve some
inexpensive earthenware vessels.
Earthenware is unique in that it contracts tumah,
spiritual impurity, only through exposure, of the source of impurity, to its
inside surface, but not through contact with the outside walls of the vessel.
Why are earthenware vessels singled out in this fashion? The value of
any vessel can be measured in two ways: in terms of the intrinsic value of the
material from which it is made or in terms of its fuctional value. The
materials of an earthenware vessel have little intrinsic value. Their
utility alone gives earthenware vessels their value. In order for
something to contract ritual impurity, it must have a value. Hence, an
earthenware vessel becomes impure only through contact with its functional
part - the inside - and not through contact with the materials of the outside
wall.
A tzaddik views his material possessions as earthenware
vessels - i.e., of no intrinsic value themselves, but rather deriving their
importance only from their function. Material possessions, in his view,
are tools in the service of Hashem. They may, for instance, allow him to
do acts of chesed and benefit others. Both his body and his material
possessions are means to serve Hashem. They differ only in that the body
is acquired as a "birthday present'. The acquisition of material
possessions requires effort. Thus his material possessions are more
precious to the tzaddik than his own body because their acquisition required
more effort. The tzadik's perspective on possessions contrasts with the
narrow perspective of the one who sees only the presonal benefit his
possessions can bring him.
When the person whose house was afflicted with tzora'as
was made aware of Hashem's concern for every Jew's material possessions, his
selfish view (tzaras ayin) was challenged and the corrective process begun.
The embarrassment of being exposed to the neighbors' scrutiny was another
aspect of the same process. The removal of the vessels to the public
domain hints to the fact that their purpose is not just to serve oneself.
The valuables hidden by the Emorim were tainted and
contaminated by intense selfishness. The Emorom hid thim to deprive the
Jews from benefiting from them, even though they were doomed to lose them
anyway. In the hand of people with a tendency towards selfishness, this
wealth would have been terribly detrimental. Therefore Hashem utilized
the tzora'as as a vehicle to provide the wealth in a manner designed to
correct the evil of selfishness. The victim of tzora'as was forced ro
recast his attitudes towards marerial possessions prior to receiving this new
bounty.
If one fails to learn the lesson of tzora'as afflicting
the house, his selfishness will grow into haughtiness. Then his clothes,
called by Chazal the instruments of honoring a person, will be afflicted as
well. If he still does not heed the warning, he will descend yet further
until he acts with total disregard for anyone but himself. That latter
attitude is manifested as lashon hara and motzi shem ra, speech designed to
denigrate others. As a punishment the perpetrator's very body will be
scourged with tzora'as.
We can now understand what appear to be conflicting
opinions regarding the deaths of the students of R' Akiva. The Gemara (Yevamos
62b) says that they did not treat each other with respect. The Midrash (Bereishis
Rabbah 61:3) says that they exhibited tzarus ayin, selfishness, with regard to
their Torah and did not share it with one another. Torah is one's most
precious possession, but it must not become a means of personal
aggrandizement. When one truly appreciates his fellow Jew and honors
him, he desires to share with him his tools for service of Hashem. In
this vein, sharing one's Torah is the supreme expression of honor for one's
fellow man. Hence the two descriptions of the faults of the students of
R'Akiva are in fact one.
