Click here to go back to the main page

• Title: Joe Moreira's Brazilian Jiu-jitsu - Black Belt Home Study Course
• Number of moves: 200
• Number of Tapes: 10
• Cost: $200
• Level: Beginner to Advanced
• Moves per Dollar: $1.00
• Rating: 3 Stars
• Year tape set was released: 1997

Cast:

• Kyle
• Stan
• Cartman
• Kenny
• Sparky the dog

[Kyle's House]

Kyle: I just got the new Joe Moreira BJJ tape set.
Cartman: Kickasssss!
Stan: Cool dude!! Let's watch it.
Kenny: Mhhmmhh
Kyle: Don't turn the sound up too loud or my mom will hear.
Cartman: Yea right, that's new! Kyle's mom always has bee up her ass.
Stan: What's your mom's frickin problem dude.
Kyle: I don't know, I told her I was going over to your house to practice BJ's with the guys and she washed my mouth out with soap and then gave me along lecture about it being a sin for men lay down with men.
Cartman: You WUSS! If I were you I would have said hey look MISSY get your bitch-ass back in the kitchen and knit me a sweater.
Kenny: Mhhmmhh
[All laugh] Kyle: That's sick dude. Where is the damn VCR remote?
Stan: Cartman standup you fatass, I bet its caught in your butt cheeks like always. Cartman [standing up] - I'm not fat, I just big boned. [The remote falls out of Cartman's crack on to the floor]

Stan: I'm not touching that remote after it has been up Cartman's fat ass.
Kyle: Cartman, pickup the god damn remote and press play so we can watch the goddamn Moreira video.
Cartman: Fine guys, since I have the remote you guys are left with no choice but to RESPECT MY AUTHORITY!!
Stan: Cartman, shut the hell up and press play.
[All four kids look intently at the TV screen as the video starts]

Kyle: Brazilians are coooool!
Cartman: My mom says I'm half Brazilian. [In his best Renzo Gracie impression] "Sooo what you gonna to dooo."

[2 minute opening concludes and Moreria starts to teach move after move]
Kyle: What the hell is this crap. I can't understand a word he says.
Stan: Turn up the sound, maybe that will help.

Kyle: I'm not touching the TV remote, remember we found it up Cartman's butt last week.
Cartman: Shut the hell up guys I'm trying to figure out what technique Moreira just taught
Kyle: I think he said he was going to show us how to "ass the gourd."
Kenny: Mhhmmhh.
Kyle: Sick dude, who the hell would want a gourd up their ass. No wonder he teaches you how to defend against this.
Cartman: Hey, speaking of gourds up the ass, here comes Stan's little dog Sparky.
Stan: Shut up dude! I'm trying to figure out what Moreira just said.
Kenny: Mhhmmhh!
[All laugh]
Kyle: No way man. That's not physically possible.
Cartman: My mom said she once dated a guy from a travelling circus who could.
Stan: How come we never saw another set of tapes teach us how to defend against "wee on chest."
Kyle: This tape is making me really sleepy like the poppies from the Wizard of OZ. Sleeeeeeepy.
Cartman: Yea me toooo. . . ZZZzzzzzzzzzzz.
Kenny: Mhhmmhzzzzzzzz.
Stan: Cartman, Kyle, guys wake up, the tapes not half done and we have 9 more to watch. Guys, [yawn] wake up, I paid good money for this, wake upppp . . .ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzz.

[Tape ends and static fills the TV screen, Sparky the dog enters room and starts to lick Cartman's face]
Cartman [Half asleep]: Yes, Eric you are the coolest and best mannered boy I know. Why thank you Ms. Prissypants, I like you too. [Cartman fully awake now] Hey guys wakeup [Cartman pushes Kyle].
Kyle: Huh, what. I must have fallen asleep. Stan wake up, your dog is making sweet love to Kenny's leg.
Stan: I think Kenny might be dead, I think the tape bored him to death. [Rats come in to devour Kenny's corpse stealing the leg from Sparky].
Kyle: Oh my God, Moreira killed Kenny! You Bastard!

[Voice Over: Stay tuned, to next week's exciting episode of South Park to find out if Joe Moreira is really Kenny McCormick's father]

If Kazeka Muniz is a 5 out of 10 here is my "Intelligible Ratings (tm)" measured in "Munizmarks:"

• Ceasar Gracie 10
• Mark Kerr 10
• Kukuk 10
• Egan Inoue 10
• John Lewis 10
• Walt Bayless 10
• Maurice Smith 10
• Mike Swain 10
• Ken Shamrock 10
• Pedro Carvalho8
• Rorion Gracie 8
• Mario Sperry 7
• Conan Silveira5
• Oleg Taktarov5
• Royce Gracie5
• Renzo Gracie5
• Ralph Gracie 4
• Calson Gracie Jr 4
• Allan Goes 3
• Igor Zinoviev 1
• Marco Ruas 0 (He does not even talk on his tapes)
• Joe Moriera -2 (That's negative 2. He should not have talked on his tapes)

If the person teaching on given tape set has a sub-optimal command of English there have been several approaches that have been taken. Probably the best is to have someone else do the talking. Ruas used this technique on his tape set. Ruas does not say a word on his tape set. The problem with Ruas was the fact that the person who does the talking does not have a clue about the moves. As a result, the descriptions are very Spartan and of little value.

Joe, however, decided to do all the talking on these tapes. Huge mistake! It ends up looking like an old Godzilla film where the movement of the actors mouths and the words coming out don't seem to match. I hate to belabor the point but this is the most striking thing about this tape set. It's the first thing I think of when someone asks, "What do you think of the Moreira tapes?"

You might counter by saying, "I just buy the tapes for the damn moves anyway, how are the moves? The moves range from pretty good to a complete waste of time. For example, the first Brown Belt tape has a series of moves that assumes that your opponent does not have a clue as to how to hold someone in the side control. Moreira constantly mentions through out the tape set that you have progressed to such and such belt and your opponent has gotten smarter too. For the most part the moves do progress as the tape set moves along. However, on this tape he drops the ball. I dream of finding opponents who haven't even spent more than a couple of weeks on the mat. I know for a fact that Moreira's brown belt's do know how to hold someone in the side control. On the second Brown Belt tape you will learn how to stand-up properly. God, I hope Joe doesn't wait until Brown Belt to teach his student's how to stand-up. Don't bother buying the Brown Belt tapes.

The White Belt tapes were not much better. The tapes start with the whole retread of how to fall properly. The tape then moves into forward and back rolls. Most of the material is really better suited for a Judo tape set rather than a BJJ one. In fact about 1/6 of all the tapes is basic judo throws. As you would expect, this being a white belt oriented tape, most of this is just a rehash of what is on most other tape sets out there. The tape has a screen announcing that it contains "Advanced Guard and Mount Ground Fighting Techniques." The Blue Belt tape is called "Intermediate Guard and Mount Groundfighting Techniques." At this rate of regression you might expect the Black Belt tape to be entitled "Counters to earthworm sneak attacks."

However, these are the tapes in which Moreira is the most intelligible. This is because Joe has someone demonstrate the moves on the tapes while he explains. Joe's heavy accent is exacerbated on most of the other tapes when he exerts himself while demonstrating the moves.

That being said, worth getting are the both Blue Belt tapes. This is Moreira at his best. The one thing that I liked most about the tape set is the fact that Moreira tries to string the moves together (Move, counter, move, etc). Many tape sets don't make any attempt to do this. Moreira sometimes strings 6-7 moves together. Probably the best example that comes to mind is how he strung the moves together when talking about controlling someone who is in your open guard. The moves, for the most part, were not new, but the linking them together was nice to see.

The Black Belt tapes are OK. I literally had a hard time watching them because I kept falling asleep, thus the reference in the South Park skit. The last thing in the world I need is Moreira teaching me Judo throws and counters. You could be better served with other tape sets. I think the thing that puts me to sleep is the fact that Panther in an effort to increase the length of their tapes likes to show some moves 6 times in slow motion. I'm getting sleepy just thinking about it.

The purple belt tapes might be worth a look. Tape 1 deals with a lot of defensive stuff and how to pass the guard. Tape 2 has a pretty good discussion of how to pass the open guard. I do recommend getting this tape for this discussion. Most of this is not on other tape sets.